Thoughts …

Happy Monday morning. As I reflect on my goals for the upcoming month, I tend to drift away in thoughts. Thoughts of how to be a better mom, how to be a better person, how to be happier and more at peace..I think of my family,  my friends,  my job, where I’m at in life. I’ll be honest— at times I think I’m living someone else’s life, not my own. I was raised in a broken home. Big woopty doop nowadays who isn’t? I’m 31 I have 2 brothers and 1 sister from my parents’ marriages. I’m also the oldest 😒. I try to maintain a relationship with them. I invite them over my house, I text them, send them pictures of their niece and nephew    . Sometimes I think, why would they want to hang out with me ? I’m an old fart compared to them. Anyhow, I went onto my Snapchat this morning and saw my sisters post captioned “sibling date” along side our brother having ice cream!! Now-am I silly for being jealous? Am I petty for feeling not wanted? I mean an invite never killed anyone  I didn’t even get an invite. I would say something, and confront her. Then again what for? It’s in the past, and if she were to ask me in the future I would just take it as a petty invite. 🤷🏻‍♀️

As far as my weekend went, it was nice I guess. Went to the beach with Omar, had some drinks, some food, no kids, a much needed relaxation time. On Sunday we went to the pool tanned. Soooo needless to say, it was a relaxing weekend. We had some petty arguments, attitudes here and there. I always wonder when it’s going to stop? Like I said in the beginning of my entry, I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. Things between Omar and I are either great or horrible.  There is NO IN BETWEEN. Does he love me? Yes. Do I love him ? Yes. However, is it enough to build a life with, to be happy with, to see and love everyday until we’re old and gray? I often feel like he’s not my bff. I hate feeling like that. I often feel like he won’t just let me live, he will always snoop around my stuff, assume things about me, accuse me of such. I’m torn between being alone and finding self love within me and living a more peaceful life, or if I should stick it out pray for the best and understand that no relationship is perfect and that all relationships take a toll on you. They’re hard work, it’s never easy. It’s continuous work, continuous effort, communication. It takes over entirely.

I wish i had the answers to  all my questions. J







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