hurt

I confronted Ian last night.  He denies anything going on.  He says he was chatting with her but she flipped out and he told her to f*** off.  He told her Sunday that he was no longer free and that he was living with someone but told her yesterday it was only temporary.  He’s initiated sex last night and again this morning and this morning he actually kept the hard on and actually had an orgasm this morning.  The first time in a week.  He actually told me this morning that he could understand if I got so scared that I felt I had to confront him like I did.  At least I know for sure that after we move out of here and go to the other place that he will go back to her.  I was hoping and praying  that this would become a long term relationship.  I felt like he was my twin flame.  We had so much in common.  He told me he liked it that I just got it and got him.  To bad I didn’t see through it.  He had an accident in the bed, he has had several over the last few weeks.   He said he was glad I didn’t freak out about it.  I just chalked it up to stress.   I hope that the bitch is so willing to accept it that easily.  I can’t believe I was so stupid to let him in.  I should have never accepted the date.  Of course I wasn’t expecting to like him so damn much or for Murray to like him this much either.  I should have said no and left town.  God I hate Albuquerque.   I’m so tired of  feeling like a feather in the wind, just floating on the wind and getting blown wherever the wind blows me.  I want to find someone that treats me as good as Ian has and settle down somewhere.  I know now that that will never happen.  I’m never going to find anyone that treats me as good as he has will ever want me.  I’ve done everything I could to earn his caring and trust…tried to make sure I gave him his space…let him do his thing without complaint….smoking in my room, being drunk all the damned time, can’t keep a hard on and not interested in sex with me.  The signs are all there that there’s someone else.  He fed me some stupid story about an ex girlfriend that he lived with for 4 years and it ended badly just a few months ago.  Hell, he just keeps locking himself in the bathroom with his cell phone.  He swears up and down he’s not chatting up other women.  What is it he doesn’t want me to see?  Probably chatting with other women and trying to get into some other sucker’s pants.  Stupid stupid stupid…  I should have known better than to trust him.

One thought on “hurt”

  1. It sounds like my daughter, and how I felt with my ex-husband. Can you talk, I have what has worked for me this time. I have met him, and working together with someone, is TOTALLY different, it is hard but not impossible as it is when one person gives everything and the other does not. They still may love you, or want you, but they do not want to give anything up or them to want you, etc. It is a non equity relationship!

    Send me an email and we can talk. There is someone there for you, you have to pray that God brings him, and wait until you get that sign, little ones to go forward. But you can not give yourself to that person, to anyone physically until you actually have more of an evidence of things hoped for, the difference between faith, which we feel we lose, which is evidence of things hoped for, versus hope, which is hoping for that evidence which we hope for, one is more with a validation that we are on the right path.

    That is why we feel we lose faith so much, because we simply are not using wisdom, or what faith is. It is not blind hope, it is signs, little ones, but ones none the less of actual substance of something that has been on our mind that validated it and just leads us to the next step more of an assurance.

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