I’m standing up and forward!

I had a hell of a year in 2017, therefore the lack of presence here, too much to cope with, too much to deal with, trying to sort things out. Last year, last fall I was taking classes in something near to be called mindfulness, you talk about the important things you value in life, feelings, how you feel when other people make you feel bad, when you disappoint your kids, when you’re not there for your friends and family, yes the list is actually long. And I fell, mentally I fell down, admitting I’ve been exposed to sexual abuse and rape for several years. I didn’t admit this in class, but I had so much conflict in my self that I asked for a emergency meeting with one of the therapist from the class. And when I admitted what I’ve been through, I first of all in many years felt believed! I had several pounds of heavy weight getting off my shoulders and it was a real relief. But it didn’t stop quite there for me, everything started to roll inside my mind, living through everything over and over again, because it was and still is important for me to stay sane in all this, cause I’m not being crazy or the lunatic, I very often feel I am! Next step now is getting help to talk about this and sort things out, to have an opinion about having post traumatic stress disorder. I’m at the time not able to work, not before I get my self in shape again, most mentally. 

It is devastating not being believed, my whole family didn’t believe me! I was 16 at the time, my first experience with my own uncle, and he was abusing me while I was asleep. I couldn’t give any consent because I was sleeping, and he from that night took something I’ll never have back in my entire life. His wife eventually took him in action, he then were able to say I was having a love affair with him and I was giving consent on everything. In Norway this is an criminal act, it’s illegal. I didn’t dare tell anyone about this, I told my best friend, but it was kept as an secret, and it has been a secret for twenty years! Today I’m suffering from it, from not telling anyone and for not reporting it – I regret it deeply! 

But at least I’m standing forward now, placing the responsibility on those who did this to me, and it’s my uncle that did this to me but also my family for not helping me, standing up for me taking action reporting this incident. The consequences can be fatal in situations like this, it can depend on lives! 

Have you ever experienced something like this, do something about it, talk to someone and report it, I will, and I have to. 

LMP 

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