To the one who held my future in their hands:

At 16 years old, I only saw you as my forever. My eyes only envisioned you as my husband, as the father to my unborn children, my entire world. Sure, Maybe we were young and dumb, but we had each other and nothing else mattered besides our happiness. I never had a grey day, everything was beautiful and exciting. Thoughts of the future always made me so excited to keep going, working towards OUR dream, together. The us I remember always had a smile on its face, & a laugh in its eyes. I gave you everything I could, including my virginity, which I had promised to god that I would have until the day we married.  We experienced new things together, went everywhere, did everything and never got tired of it… Well, At least I didn’t…

My fathers birthday 2 years later,  you decided I wasn’t the one for you anymore. The one who you could see a future with, I was distraught & heartbroken. I didn’t know if I could move on, if i’d ever find anyone who loved me the way you claimed too, or more importantly, find someone I could love the way I loved you…

& I never did, sure I’ve loved and lost a few times since you left my life, but no love could ever amount to the love I felt for you. Each love, new, exciting, yes. But very different then the first love, the forever love I had for you.

I lost my grandma, my niece, my grandpa & my father in less than a years time. My life became a living hell… I never thought i’d have to experience these types of heartaches in my life, let alone at the age of 24…

October 1st came, I was a first responder to the disaster, directly affected by the devastation that swept the country. Living in Vegas, we all knew it was a matter of time. That month, that month was the icing on the cake for my mental health. I broke off my 5 year relationship because I didn’t know who I was any longer… I needed to get away, run away from all the problems I could & as fast as I could too.

2 weeks passed, and I found a picture of us, from high school of course. I sent you the invite I had from our graduation in 2011. Never once did it cross my mind that you’d actually reply, let alone even look at the picture. But hey, there it was, the name “Tony” popped up on my phone. No freaking way, I thought, this is a joke, i’m dreaming… But nope, you replied and my heart sank, hard and fast. Here’s the human I gave my all too, and never thought i’d have to be without, actually talking to me again..

We spent time together, & texted almost 24/7… But with you living in a different city, we both knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t think it would be impossible, no matter what sacrifices we had to make, It was worth it. At least it was to me. & you made me think you believed that too. That 16 year old girl I used to know, she was back. Her joy and excitement and happiness, it was found, In you. Your birthday came, 4 days ago to be exact, I sent you a text, telling you how much I loved you and how happy I was we were talking again. I didn’t get a reply, so I texted you everyday since then and continued to be disappointed. Don’t ask me why I sent you another message tonight, I don’t know why I figured maybe he will reply this time. Well, You did… telling me how WE weren’t going to work out, and that it wasn’t mature of us to ever think we could make this work again. Again, I felt that sinking feeling, but not in the same way as before. More of a nauseous feeling. Mad at myself for letting you lead me on, for ever thinking things could be different if you had just one more chance.. So I told you that you hurt me, and that this would be the last time..

There were so many responses typed out and then deleted, paragraphs erased because I was afraid if I said the wrong thing that you’d be gone again. Just like when we were in high school, you’d disappear, decide I wasn’t good enough, and that you were better off. I finally went with something passive, like “I wish you the best”. What I really wanted to say, I couldn’t put into words that you’d ever understand. So I didn’t even try,

If I had the chance to go back, back to when I was just a girl. Sweet, innocent, and ignorant. I’d tell that little girl, with the spark in her eye and an open heart, to stay away from you, far far away. because if I knew, 8 years later that you’d walk back into my life just to dish out the same disappointment you did when I was 18, I’d be better off saving my time, energy and tears on someone who could see the future the way I did.

You were never capable of loving me the way I loved you.

Time will pass, and eventually I won’t think about you everyday, but until then I will just remind myself that someone, somewhere can and will love me the way I deserve, they way I loved you. I wish you nothing but the best. Forever.

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