Too Long Again

But this time we’re going to try something different. I read about this somewhere and I’m going to try this out then write about my inherent problems because I know how much people are interested in my life. 

That was sarcasm. 

I am going to define my fears. I am going to let my anxiety run wild right now along with my overactive imagination to find out some things. How wild can we get? Let’s see. 

I am regarding a decision to follow a vision I had recently. I’ve been playing with it but let’s put it to the test. 

What if I study programming and move back up to Seattle to find a job? 

Define. Imagine the worst case scenario:
1. I discover I don’t like programming and waste so much time and money getting to another dead end that offers me nothing. 
2. I discover that I like it but I don’t have a talent for it, then live a subpar life for the rest of my own time here on earth. 
3. I move up there only to discover that my brief time in Seattle was not indicative of everyday life up there. I hate everyone and everything about it. 
4. My life is no different than what it was before and I’m chasing the same thing and not changing anything about my life. I’m still broken and directionless. 
5. I disappoint my parents by leaving again. I know they worry about me. 
6. I leave FL again and leave my father alone, who is not in the best health, and my mother is less than caring or observant. Thus resulting in his further dwindling of health and mental state. After all, now after the dog died, he truly has no one. 
7. I further blame myself for all these things that don’t go well and thus putting me more deep down into my own depression, and in turn, accelerating my own desire for self-destruction.
8. My father dies because of my lack of presence, and then blame myself for that. 
9. The moment I leave FL is when things come together for our business. I should have waited and been more patient, but my impatience forces me to jump ship early. 

Prevent. What can you do to ensure that these things don’t happen? Focus on what you can control, rather than what you can’t. Let’s break down what you CAN control:
– My own decisions and my impetuosity. I can learn patience. 
– Studying my own progress and listening to myself. If I don’t like something, I don’t have to like it. Pretending to like something never got me anywhere. In fact, it made my situation worse.  
– Know the signs and listen to what my father says. I can still be a good child and listen. 
– I can encourage my dad to do other things that can bring happiness. But know that some people are too stuck in their ways to change. Dad might be one of them, and I’ll have to know when trying won’t do anything. I’ve experienced this before. I know what it looks like. It’s heartbreaking every damn time, and it doesn’t get any easier to quit on someone when you know your efforts will have zero impact. But if you’re wasting energy, it’s better to invest that elsewhere. If I can’t help you, I can’t help you. What I can’t control are other people. 
What I can do to prevent any of that: 
1. Research current trends and job listings to see where those jobs are needed and the current salary. Research outlooks on those kinds of jobs. Look into what qualifications are needed for those jobs. What are the current enrollment rates at other institutions for those jobs? How many are expected to graduate by the time you finish? Even if you do all that and still can’t find a job, at least you have a valuable skill that you can use for your own purposes. Freelance work, opening your own business. These are all options besides a full time job. After all, I know this is a job. I work to live, not vice versa. 
2. At least you gave it an attempt and know than be left wondering what if. Plus I can counsel others in that field and the many other fields that I have experience in. 
3. I’m clever. I can figure out other ways to enrich my life. 
4. Have a contingency plan then. Where would you go after? Are there other places that need your set of skills? Where are they? What are they like? 
5. Make sure that I keep up with my therapist and voice these desires. 
6. Have a timeline. What is your expected date to be finished with this program? Give it until then, and then check in again to see where I am. I’m not paying rent; hence I am saving money. I can use that to move anywhere. 
7. If my dad is my major concern, I can make sure to be more attentive. It’s not in my nature to be, but I can work on that. 
8. If he does die, there is nothing I can do to change that. The only two things certain in life are death and taxes. Many things contribute to someone’s death, and I am not the main contributor of that. If I leave, sure that is going to hurt him, but he will not die because of that. I have to remember that I did give it a chance, and he is a grown man. He can take care of himself. Plus, if I can find a good enough job, it will give me time and money to visit often. 
9. Find and construct a support group. My friends are my friends and they have been there for me before. I know I can count on most of them. 

Repair. Should any of those things come to pass, what can you do to repair them? 
1. I have a lot of experience in other lines of work. I can find another job and try again at something else. I know that you can’t take money with you when you die, so might as well spend it on trying to better myself. 
2. I know when I’m not good at something. I would have to make the decision to see the pay:happiness ratio and what else I can pursue in my life to maximize happiness. But then again, maybe my happiness does not equal my job. Perhaps I am thinking too narrowly. I need to take a look at what I was good at in the past and extrapolate on that data. 
3. There are more places than Seattle. There are adaptations you can make and have to adjust to life there if it’s solely environmental. If it’s interpersonal, you can communicate those accordingly. Confront the problem rather than live with it. 
4. KEEP UP WITH MY THERAPIST. 
5. I may think about the words of others a little too much. I put the words into others’ mouths to confirm my own reality when really I am living in a house of lies. Keep that in mind that nothing is ever what it seems… even my own “reality”. Just because it feels real doesn’t mean that it is. 
6. IT IS NOT MY JOB TO BE THEIR THERAPIST! They have their problems that are not mine to bear. I may overestimate my role in their lives. I cannot control what other people decide to do. Practice a sort of tough love with both of them. Practice leaving them alone and talk more about your hero complex to amend that. 
7. Remember not to make others’ problems my own. There is no heroism in carrying extra baggage for others when it is not wanted or needed. Worry about yourself, and appreciate others. If there is something I can do to help, I will know. I will practice more open communication. 

That took a while. But I guess. I will keep going down this path and see what happens. I will keep doing this in the future.

 

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