Vale (This is where it ends)

I’ve been overdosing o sleeping tablets and lorazepam all day and I just want to numb what I am feeling inside…but I almost don’t know what I’m feeling inside…juts the usual my past consuming, how I’m going absolutely nowhere in life, how without my parents letting me and Harry stay here I’d be homeless, being careless with money and recklessly spending, stealing my dad’s medication which is awful because he needs that himself to sleep. He can get it whenever he needs to though from the pharmacist thank goodness. What the hell am I doing. I confided in my church group and they arranged for all of us to go to the park yesterday which obviously didn’t happen like I know it wouldn’t. One of the ladies is ill and I’m obviously not mad at her for that but it was me; we’d arranged to go toa park that Id never been to before and even though I had my phone directing me it kept directing me through places that I couldn’t possible drive to. I need no choice but to to give up and take harry home, we had been driving for nearly any hour and he’d fallen asleep.

Oh what the hell am I doing. I am not thinking of my son because otherwise I wouldn’t have taken so many fucking pills. I lost count of how much I’ve taken. Maybe 5 2mg lorazepams and like 6 or 7 .5mg of zopiclone. I’m extremely frightened of myself right now and I feel like I can’t cope. I still went to bloody asdas today to get some things Harry needed thought. I dropped him off at nursery and I have to pick him up in about five minutes. He’s perfectly fine and happy, I am looking after him and giving him everything he needs, as fucked up and drugged up on benzos I am right now I’m looking after Harry as he needs to be and he;s been very happy today.

I just don’t know what I’m feeling I just want to be drugged out of my brain but I can’t do that with Harry, he needs me .I self harmed my legs a couple of days ago and that cuts weren’t deep but they weren’t scratches either, I self harmed in the shower and cleaned myself up there. I need this bad patch to pass soon…things are still ok, I know they are, I have so much to be happy about and grateful for.

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