Day whatever

 My day has been extremely crappy…. although I am still breathing…. 

I am just so torn…

As much as I would kind of like to be able to just let go, move on…. I can’t, and I don’t know why. I love him, but to be honest….. the fizz is gone… I hardly ever feel the butterflies in my tummy anymore and get that really happy feeling when we’re together or on the anticipation of us being together…. now it’s more like a sickness rumble in my tummy, I guess because I have a fear that he will be gone. Every time he has left, I’m pretty sure the count is up to 7, he has done it when I’m not home, and I damn sure didn’t know what was happening…except the 1st time, when I kicked him out…

It’s like he’ll be gone and giving me some bs story or whatever I’ll catch him in a lie and I’m waiting for him to get home to confront him but then, when he finally makes it, the last thing I want to do is argue. So I leave all this crap inside waiting for the right time to bring it up, and there’s never a right time… and when i so bring something up, he gets mad. Its freaking ridiculous! Its almost 10:30pm and he just got off the phone with the guy he works with, hes planning on going back “in a little bit” to clean up from the mess he made while gutting the kitchen today.  He does remodel work, this place is about 15 minutes away, the guy is living in the house as they are doing all of this, 1st off it just doesn’t seem too professional to go back and be doing anything this time of night… and I just do not believe that’s where he is the whole time always. 

Friday night… got home at 9 something got us a pizza, then went back after midnight to go get his check, he said his boss had been gone and just got back…. He didn’t get home until 6:23AM said he stopped by the game room. Oh and he was broke, still is, says he didn’t get paid yet… now he’s fixing to leave here and what??? Okay anyways, I just don’t ever think this will change nor will i ever trust him. It’s like there’s no way to fix this….

Goodnight journal-

One thought on “Day whatever”

  1. You need peace. Definitely. Your boyfriend should be home after work — not going in to finish something at midnight. That sounds very suspicious. But you say you can’t let go, and I know how that is, too. So I don’t have advice. But I will pray for you for you to find a way to have peace and happiness.

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