heartsick

I’m so heartsick right now.  I know at some point during the day Ian is going to go be bitch.  I want him all to myself but I know it’ll never happen.  Not with her in the picture.  I’m so scared of losing him.  I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown.  I’m thinking of checking myself into the hospital.  I just can’t handle this.  I think I love him but he doesn’t feel the same way.  He can’t even tell me the truth about the bitch.  He told me he  told her to f*** off but I looked and he’s forgiven her and taken her back.  They’re even chatting about what they’ve done to each other.  He’s made it perfectly clear that even without saying so that he’s going to be fair game once we move over to the other place.  I’ve even asked him if he really wants me there and he said yeah but wouldn’t look me in the eye.  I’m finally starting to face facts that the only reason he’s here is sex.  When he’s drunk he admits to caring about me and what happens to me.  But I still question it.  I even question whether or not he’ll even miss me if I’m gone.  I think the only thing he’ll miss is the sex.  He keeps telling me he wants me to feel good but I think it’s only him that he wants to feel good.  I’m so depressed to see the end of the relationship.  He’s been so attentive and loving toward me.  I know I’ll never find that again, not in any man.  At this point I’m facing spending the rest of my life alone.  I want to find and keep what we’ve had.  I feel so unwanted, unloved and ugly.  The only other guy that has remotely responded is a real asshole.  All he does is throw temper tantrums and expects me to jump at his every whim.  Maybe he’ll make an effort to give me some of what I want.   I did  a freezing spell on her. Now hopefully it will work but I highly doubt it.  Several people have offered to help cast spells to protect him from her whiles giving me hope but alas they all want large amounts of money which I can’t afford.  Too bad people can’t be charitable and help knowing how desperate I am to keep Ian.

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