The failure.

Right now, he wins.  Im nothing.  He is smarter, more charming, better at keeping his emotions in check, and knows which blows cause the most pain.  

I have no money to my name.  Not one bit. But, be out by next weekend, you can stay here anymore.

I have a new job, one hour away.  every day. But i need money, and so thats what ill do.  What the fuck do i do with child? My hours arent normal, he is too young to be on his own.  Im in a place where noone likes me, and i have zero support, but you need to work to get money.  

My mother, who for the most time in forever actuallt felt like my mother, has been caught up in the fabrications and the victimisation of his story.  Now, she has her guard up, and is back to wishing i think that I never existed.  

In a lot of ways, I wish i wasnt.  Its been awhile old thoughts, welcome back.  I had hoped to come out of this with strength, and courage, and whilst i knew it was going to rock me, i had hoped my core could hold me up.  it cant, who was i kidding to think it ever could.

Child deserves better.  Stable home, stable mother, stable life.  His 9 years with me have been choatic.  A whirlwind.  All because of me and my actions.  He loves me, i see and hear and feel it…i love him too. But how can i get myself out of this mess?

Im alone.  Solo.  No place to call my own anymore.  The fragilities, and toxicity have taken their toll.  I will keep trying.  I will. I just dont know what to do.  

I just want to scream.  To tear it apart. This house, him, myself.  Give in to those voices who tell me to self sabotage, to inflict pain not only on my heart but deep in my flesh.  I want to be better than that.  Set an example to child.  Be something to be prouf of.  For awhile there, I was proud.  

Now im just a shell.  

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