& To follow:

So after you told me you didn’t want to further “us” I decided, instead of moping around the house with tears in my eyes, to go visit my bestfriend. She’s been my bestfriend since high school, since before you and I met. I told her all my trials and tribulations I’ve experience since my worst year alive slowly comes to an end. I told her about the guys I’ve dated and the guys who ghosted me. The ones I’ve fallen hard for, and the ones who have fallen hard for me. 

It started with a phone call to her, which we don’t have very often, usually only when one of us have huge news, or had a shit day. She, knowing me for 11 years now, immediately knew something was wrong, I mean a phone call at 1 am isn’t exactly a normal one. Except for me of course, I work graveyard in a 24 hour city. Anyways, She started by telling me she was already in bed, and me responding with my usual ” oh, I’m sorry, go to bed, we can talk tomorrow.” But instead of her usual, “okay goodnight” she proceeded to pry the information out of me. But I didn’t budge… instead I said I’d pick her up and we would talk at the bar over a jack & coke.  I pick her up 30 mins later and we’d spend 2 hours at the bar by her place.

I told her about you, and the few officers I’ve dated. About how all seem so interested until they meet me & who knows why they really disappear. Maybe it’s because we work together, or maybe I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough to be a police officers girl. Whatever the case is, I continue to express my sadness of being so alone, and not ever understand which part of me isn’t good enough to become a wife or a mother. She is always a constant reminder that I’m young and should experience life before settling down. As she almost did at 18yo…. 

& it really got me thinking, ya know, I am only 24 years old, I’ve been in the same relationship for the past 5 1/2 years. Before that, I was in one for most of my high school career. I’ve got things going for me, a house, an amazing career, a nice car, no debt,  but none of that means anything if you can’t find happiness within yourself. And not just within yourself, but the happiness of just being with yourself, alone in a quiet room, am I happy with my decisions, the things I’ve done, the things I’ve said. What exactly is it that I need to work on before making someone else happy. I recently lost my father, I still haven’t came to terms with that, and I honestly have no freaking idea where to start. Most of my decisions are based off of what he would be most proud of. Which I why I stopped going to the bar 3 days out of the week, why I started raising my expectations of a husband. I want someone like him, someone honest and kind and handsome, to keep me warm at night and to worry about me the way I’ll worry about him. 

But I need to make sure I can do all of that for myself first. I need to be happy with myself, I need to reevaluate the meaning of my life. Am I living for a man? Or am I living for myself? I need to focus on me, & only me. My mental health state, & it’s def taken a giant toll since October of 2016. I need to go out and do things, with friends who love me whether I have makeup on or not, the ones who would do anything to keep me around, and would go out at 2 am to have a heart to heart because I’m struggling with things. I need to travel, and see family I haven’t seen in years, I need to do this for me. 

So, This is where I’ll start over. The pursuit of happiness  

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