Where was I for over a year? I had an emotional breakdown or something like that. I’m still very touchy and I get triggers where I want to cry or get angry. I won’t get into detail what caused a snowball of effects. But it had a lot to do with my healthcare program and having to do with getting a new psychiatrist.
I did get a new one and got away from that other clinic. It was awful. Anyway, I’m a terrible hypochondriac and I had some issues that freaked me out. Had some tests run. I’m alright I guess but I still live with pain and other stuff. It’s pretty much “in my head”. My doctor is a little weird. He talks too much about other people and himself. And I don’t always get to say what I need to say. he’s a doctor that keeps you there at least an hour. He won’t try to throw pills at you unless he is sure you need them and it will outweigh any risks.
Part of the time he makes sense, the other time he doesn’t then he wants me to do silly mind exercises that do not really help much. I know they are not going to make me normal or get me over my phobias because my fears are strong and no doctor knows how to go about it right. So I spend part of my life being OK and the rest being miserable. But sometimes it’s supposedly my fault. But I have been at this psycho business reading books and affirmations since the 90s. There is not much difference in the basic things I am being told. I know all that.
So when will the fear stop? No one has lived in my mind or body so knows what I can or cannot do. I just want to do what I can do and be left alone. I mean not lonely just left to not have to try so hard. I do what I can.