Breaking through this shell

Breaking through my shell has been what I have been trying to do my whole damn life to be honest, which is what I’m sure most of us feel like we are doing to an extent. The only thing with myself is a huge majority of my life was spent with people who were supposed to support me, and nourish me, and coach me just shoved me right back down into that shell.

I was abused sexually by my half-brother for months. He would sneak into my room at night and have me do things to him I can’t even allow my mind to process yet. I haven’t been able to go back there. When I finally told my father, who was not his father, the cops were called. My brother was sent to a juvenile detention center. I was put through a multitude of tests. I think one of the worst things about this was when he was released, I  was sent to live with my aunt for the summer. Being six, this confused the hell out of me. I though that I had done something wrong. I had to leave my home. I was being punished. Soon after my mother left my father for my half-brother’s father. I honestly feel like she had never forgiven me for telling on him. She has always had a special place for him. He did leave me alone after that, physically, however. emotionally was a different story. He took my pet rat and smashed it over the head with a shovel, drew a pentagram with it’s blood. I am assuming it was to put a spell on me of some sort. He had absurd, unrealistic beliefs of power in himself. He honestly is crazy. I always say, if anything were to ever happen to me, look to him first.

When I was eight started with my grandfather. My mother’s father. He started with leaving porn on “accidentally” so when I would come in the room, I would see it. I would always get this terrible feeling in my stomach and chest, but I never said a damn thing. I remember what happened when I did with my brother. I started waking up in the middle of the night to his hands under the covers. If I sat on his lap, his hand would brush up against my chest. He eventually felt bold enough to explain to me why the nipples get hard. He called me into his bedroom one time, he had a porn on. His pants were around his ankles and he had a towel on the bed. My heart stopped in my chest. He told me to look at the screen and explained to me how to tell that the girl was having an orgasm (cumming in his words) He started stroking himself and asked if I wanted to touch it, to which I said no. He walked over and grabbed my hand and put it on him and told me that I should “be thankful that somebody that I know and love is teaching me this stuff” My grandfather molested me from 8 to 16. I finally spoke up and told him I can’t take it anymore. I had attempted suicide at 14 to get away from him and my mother..14 was my worst year. That’s the year I held the very gun that he had taught me to shoot to his head while he slept and almost pulled the trigger. I obviously couldn’t, and I hated myself for it. So instead, I tried to hang myself. I was almost successful..he had found me. I used the scarf my mother bought for Christmas, thinking it would be symbolic (I haven’t gotten into my mother, that will be a whole other time..but she was a terrible, terrible person). I was literally broken in every way a person could be broken. I wrapped it around a coat hook downstairs and just dropped my knees. I think the pressure knocked me out and I chocked from there. When he had found me, I had bitten almost through my tongue I am guessing in an effort to get air and lost my bowels. The next thing I know I feel nothing but I hear screaming and I hear my grandfather saying “c’mon baby, breathe..just breathe”. I thought “this is the weirdest dream ever” until I remembered what I had done. I felt a tremendous pressure in my stomach and the next thing I knew I was up screaming the best I could with my mouth the way it was.

I finally told my mother at 17 about my grandfather. I couldn’t take it anymore. Any of it. Her exact words to me were “You know how I know you are telling the truth? He used to say and do the same things to me..” When people say their world came to a screeching halt..I felt what that really meant that day. My mother let me go with him every weekend, every summer just so she could have her rent paid and he would buy our school stuff and our Christmas stuff. My fucking mother pimped me out to her father. I’ve never hated somebody so much in my life. Things throughout my life were bad with her..but this was too much to take in.

Now I am an adult, and that is just a fraction of my childhood. I have trouble letting my mind go back there. I have ptsd, terrible anxiety, night terrors, I don’t trust people, insomnia. This is literally going to be a lifelong battle..it has been a battle. Some days it hurts just to breathe my soul is so tired. I know this is long, I’m sure my others won’t be..I just had to write…I had to get some stuff out. I have packed in SO much over the years, and people are like balloons..they can only take so much before they pop.

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