I want to be able to wake up and not feel bitter about how I wasn’t enough to make you stay. I want to be able to wake up and not feel like I am incomplete. I want to be able to sleep peacefully. I don’t want to lay awake and overthink everything. I don’t want to replay all our conversations until I fall asleep with a pillow drenched in tears. I deserve a peace of mind. I deserve sleep full of magical dreams and not nightmares where I am left shouting your name; your back to me and I can’t do anything to stop you from walking away. I don’t deserve that.
I deserve to go on with my life without a grudge I don’t want such a heavy feeling on my heart. I deserve the kind of breathlessness that comes from cliff diving, being tackled by a herd of puppies, not the kind where I get left behind. I don’t want to keep waiting- waiting for my phone to buzz and hope to see your name light up. I don’t want to keep waiting for you to come to the realization that you’re making a huge mistake. I don’t want to wait for a better scenario. I don’t want to wait for us to reconcile.
I deserve to walk my path without looking back to see if you are following me in every single step. I deserve someone who walks beside me, hand in hand.
I forgive you.
I forgive you because I have learned that the pain we inflict on people can always be either intentional or unintentional. I choose to believe it is the latter. I still believe more in the goodness in you. I still believe the moments we shared were true- the love is real.
I know you are not completely to blame. I know I hurt you and I realize that and I am sorry. I am sorry that our snow globe of euphoria fell and broke. I know you are sorry, too. we both we are two stubborn individuals who struggle to agree on how to pick the broken pieces and stitch them back together.
the truth is we are both storms, unable to pick up one anothers debris. for that I forgive myself just as I forgive you; I forgive you and I hope you have forgiven yourself, too.