Mess

Whenever something bad happened, I got sad, whenever something good happened I used to get so happy I sang and I danced. I always loved life, loved people, loved roses and dancing in the rain. I loved the first sunshine after rain, I was in love with sunsets and sunrises. I used to get all excited whenever I met someone new or when I got asked to hang out with someone. I was just so full of emotions, feelings, and then something happened and everything left. Suddenly, overnight I stopped feeling. I don’t know what it was. People still say words that break my heart, I still miss my ex. He still hurts me a lot with his words. But to be completely honest I don’t get sad anymore. I don’t get happy. I’m just “ah okay” person. I have no emotions left, I can’t cry even when I’m sad, I’m not even sure I can get sad. I mean I know a lot of things still break my heart but I don’t get sad. I have goals to achieve and I’m not even sure if I want them to come true. I still adore animals and music but everything else is just “meh.” Is it even possible to not feel anything? to always respond to different things the same way? I mean the purpose of feeling is to express them in the right circumstances. But I don’t feel anything in any circumstance. It’s always “okay” and nothing else. It’s weird. I can’t talk to anyone about this actually, because whenever I try to talk about my feelings I just change the subject and put a smile on my face and pretend everything’s okay. I know everything is not okay, I know I should talk to someone but I just can’t and won’t and I’m not even capable of doing it, because how the heck am I supposed to talk about my feelings when there’s none. You can’t buy something that doesn’t exist and neither can you talk about something that doesn’t exist, because you have no idea about that thing, you don’t know what it is or what it could be. It’s just a freaking mess. I can’t get it straight, it’s weird and I don’t even know what I’m talking about all I know is it’s okay with me to tell this kind of stuff to people who don’t know me, it’s less embarrassing. 

Maybe all of this mess is because I got hurt so bad the last time that I just subconsciously shut off my feelings. It could be because people hurt me so bad in the past year that I got so used to it that I lost every emotion there was in me. I’m pretty sure it’s because I fell in love like I’ve never fallen before, thought he was different, been the happiest, and then he just dumped me. I’m still in love with him and I can’t change that. He never really loved me I was just convenient to him. I don’t know how to get over him, I can’t, tried everything, done everything and all I can say I love him even more than when we first started dating. Why do I love him more and more and not less? I mean he’s never done anything to fight for me so why can’t I just let it go? Trust me, I want to. 

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