couldn’t

I couldn’t do it.  Met a man for sex and I couldn’t go through with it out of guilt for Ian.  I had to fake a female room mate  that  works in construction coming home from work early because they finished the job early.  Ian texted me that he’s going to finish early and was going to stop and get his brakes done.   I cant help  but wonder if he’s stopping to meet another woman.  He lectured me last night like crazy about the fact that he didn’t ask questions about me meeting a “friend” because he trusted me even in the short dress he claimed I was so sexy in.  At least I know I got his attention with the dress.  My heavy coat covered the hemline so that you couldn’t see the dress if I had the coat zipped up.  I thought what was good for the goose was good for the gander. But I couldn’t do it.  I just feel so guilty meeting another man even though I suspect Ian of cheating on me.  I guess somewhere deep inside I believe in his faithfulness, at least I want to.  I keep wondering that the texts that I found weren’t just innocent jabber and Ian was feeding her a bunch of bullshit.  I want to believe it was bullshit deep inside.  I pray the black guy across the hall and his wife didn’t see this guy leaving and tell Ian.  When we’re together I believe him that there’s nobody else, he can look me in the eye and tell me there’s nobody.  God I feel so damn bad I can hardly handle it.  But I’m going to have to buck up because I can’t bear taking a chance and hurting Ian.  I don’t know why because he’s hurt me enough times.

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