I made it to Friday. I am giving a vocab test with my 6th graders today, so I have that planned, and there’s a no tardy party for 7th graders 7th period so that only leaves my class from hell 5th. I am going to make them work on vocabulary for the “new unit” that I have yet to make up. FML. I managed to get to school really early today. I have a lot of stuff I need to talk to Lisa about this week. I need to talk to her about going back to school- what I should do- the admin program, or just go back and be a nurse. I could keep going to school and be a nurse practioner. I should have done that 20 years ago when I first had the idea. I have just had a really bad week. All the shit with the goddam governor trying to take our pension away, worrying about that, my daily struggle with teaching kids that don’t give a shit about learning anything, my heart breaking for some of their home situations, The kids of generational poverty really are the kids I prefer. I do love them, but it is so hard. I have never had a job that I loved so much that I wouldn’t dare leave. I wonder how many people do have that. I am not an entrepreneur like Joy. I could never start a business. I don’t want to and I would be scared. I need a job where someone pays me. I just need to talk to Lisa about it all. Financially, it would not be a good idea to change fields. I’m not even sure it’s a good idea to go back to school for my admin. I don’t know what to do. Story of my goddam life.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 47 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."