late

Ian texted me earlier and said if they get it wrapped up early enough he’s going to stop on the way home and get his brakes fixed for $60.  I’m sure then he’s going to be too tired to go to Dollar Tree for food.  There’s nothing here to eat.  I know he’s going to be too tired for sex but I’m bound and determined not to initiate sex with him.  If he tries to initiate it with me I’m going to turn him down.  Somehow I think he won’t initiate it with me either.  In the past even though he was tired he wanted it at least twice.  I’m afraid he won’t want it.  He picked a fight last night and got mad at me for wanting it.  I told him I thought he was very attractive physically and he never said anything about still finding me attractive.  I’m so afraid of losing him but I know it’s inevitable.  I’m still planning on ending the relationship.  I want him to fight for me and us but I’m scared he won’t and just leave without any further contact.  He’s such an asshole and a jerk.  He’s treating me like shit and should dump him and should have a long time ago.  I’m so afraid of losing him.  I know I’ll never find what we had again.

I want to text him so bad asking when he’s going to be home but I know all that will do is make him mad.  I’m going to leave him alone and hopefully stew about why I’m not contacting him and asking him.  I want to put a death grip on him but I know all that will do is drive him away.  I need to stand tough and go through with not contacting him.  I know freezing him out will make him come back to me.

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