I am a part of four relationships. They breakdown in the following way:
#1: My Wife – S
I have known her since we were 12. We started dating at 17 and were married by 19. We have spent the last 6 years of marriage growing and developing with each other. I have given her 2 children and hope to give her at least 2 more. She was the first person I came out too. She is my best friend. My favorite person. I was raised to see marriage as a binding union. A spiritual practice that turns 2 seperate people into one whole. For the entirety of our marriage she has felt this way to me. Apart of my person in a separate body. She is the person who knows me best in the world and loves me in spite of it. She is my solid safe place. When the world feels big and scary she is who I fall into.
She is gender non-conforming, assigned male at birth and has asked to be referred to with a female name and pronouns. This is new to us. It has been a challenge to not allow my depression and anxiety to dictate my reactions to the work of the transition. I miss the stability and comfort I had with a husband. I knew my expectations, I knew my limits, I knew my role. Now we are in a place of discovery and change. She is still my safe place, even if the specifics of that place seem to be changing from moment to moment.
#2 The Boy – K
I met K only 2 weeks ago but have fallen fast and hard. We went out twice the first weekend we started talking and have gotten together another 3 times since. He is beautiful and kind. It is incredibly sexual. We play together and smile a lot. He is married as well. His wife seems lovely. He is a dad. This morning he kissed me in front of his kid. As a parent I know what a big deal that is. I want to love him. I want him in my life. I want to make him happy as he is incredible at making me happy.
#3 The Girl – B
B is my first relationship with a woman. She is beautiful. She has also been a fast friend though a bit slower than K. She understands me in a way that I cannot imagine the others understanding. She is kinky and submissive. She allows me to be maternal and bossy without feeling guilt. We have only had 2 dates but of course hope for more. I haven’t done a huge amount with her physically, but crave to.
#4 The BFF – C
C and I have known each other for 4 years. He was one of the first boys I connected with post open marriage. I adore him. It is hard to explain exactly how my feelings for him work. Maybe I will save a whole post for him. In the meantime it is important to note that even though I love him deeply and have known him quite long we are not in a “relationship” beyond fwb. He is incredibly emotionally unavailable. He has depression and low self esteem like I do but instead of finding validation in caring for others as is my practice, he doubts the feelings of others. He stays deep within his head and will not allow feelings to be expressed unless he fully understands them, which he never does. We have decided we love each other, though it has yet to be determined what that means. He has the additional complication of living quite far from me. It makes developing a regular relationship difficult.
So those are my loves. I hope I can maintain them all. K&B are so new I of course worry about whether or not they can hang with the variety of nonsense that my life allows for. I cannot imagine the other 2 going anywhere. C is stuck with me, loving him in spite of all that tells me not too. And S will forever be apart of me and I her. We will survive.