I’m hate admitting I’m fat.

I hate admitting I’m fat. I mean, its no secret. Anyone who looks at me would say ‘Yup, you’re fat.” But I still hate to admit it. Maybe because, like most people, I have a totally different image of myself in my head. There are times where I forget I’m fat. Just a brief moment where I decide that I could effortlessly pull off an outfit, than oh yeah I forgot. I guess I lost control of my weight. Well, I’ve never actually been in control of it.  I know, as an adult I’m the one at fault, but please allow me to place just a small amount of blame on my parents. 

I was never told no to junk, unless my parents couldn’t afford it. But even thinking back, there’s a chance I may never have been told no. My mom had this giant spoon/ ice cream scooper thing. It was so large, you could scoop out at least half a carton with the thing. Which meant that my ice cream servings were just a little bigger than they probably should be and that was normal. Every Friday night, giant candy bars, maybe two. Soda until you were sick or there was only one can left, which one should never touch as it became my fathers by default. There was also the lack of exercise. Sure we went out and did stuff and I rode my bike a lot during the summer, but still it just wasn’t enough.  These days, I’m still fighting the habits of learned, such as sitting on my butt all day watching videos. 

My mom taught me a lot about the dangers of being overweight. When I was a kid, she was overweight but not obese. During that time, she was working and burning off all the bad stuff she put into her body. But as I got older, she ballooned pretty bad. She was a 5’4 woman who weighted close to 300 pounds. It got to the point where she was a diabetic with many food restrictions. But she still fought to eat all the junk she liked. Chips, greasy hamburgers, milk shakes. If it was junk food, she craved it. If she could have cut back on these foods a little and gotten on exercise, she could have been healthy. My mom died September 27, 2017 at 7:42 PM. She had been in the hospital for a month at that point, due to issues caused by her weight. In early August, we had had an argument about her wanting me to buy her junk food. That was our last argument. How stupid is that? Anyways, I’m sorry I tend to ramble a lot.  When I write it just all spills out. 

I’ve learned to take better care of myself. I don’t go as crazy when junk food. Lately I’ve had Ice cream maybe once a month, my soda intake is around one or two a day (which is light years better than it once was), water is beginning to take a bigger role in my life. But as of right now, I’m obese. I have to admit it. My weight is a monster. I’ve screwed up my body. I know I will have loose skin and terrible stretch marks. But I also know this weight needs to go. Exercise is my hardest one. Everything is so hard, which duh. But its hard to really get the motivation to do anything. I’m promising myself that as soon as the snow is gone I’m going out there and doing something. Riding my bike again, taking long walks. 

I hope in six months, I can look at this entry and be able to say I did it. 

6 thoughts on “I’m hate admitting I’m fat.”

  1. Don’t feel bad. I’ve battled my weight for years. When I was a kid i used to ice skate and could burn it off faster than I ate it. But no thanks to the verbal and physical abuse I had and still have a bad self image. One thing I’ve learns is smaller portions and a little bit of exercise goes a long way.

  2. Thank you for the comment. I’m still learning to have small portions. While it had gotten better, I’m still having to remind myself to not go overboard with my meals. I’m itching to exercise so bad, but its like I just cannot get total motivation to continue after the first 3 minutes, even if I’m not dying yet.

  3. i’m not overweight, but i have a bad binge eating problem and body dysmorphia so i know how hard it is to accept yourself and eat right. best of luck to you xx

  4. dont be too hard on yourself. do a little each day and day by day, itll get easier. you dont need to wait for the weather to clear up though. you can do lots of exercise inside. simple yoga would be great for you, and its so relaxing. look up some yoga for beginners or some basic floor exercises you can do at home. you can do it! dont have a negative attitude. start telling yourself you can achieve whatever goals you set for yourself.

  5. Being hopeful is the best thing to help motivate you. When I was younger I magically believed that I would lose all the extra weight that I was carrying and my perception of myself will finally fit with what I see.
    I’ve slowly had to learn there is no magic that can erase years of abuse. (Whether or not the blame falls upon your mother of yourself.) I admire you for wanting to take that step in bettering yourself. I admire that you’ve acknowledge that you had a serious problem and don’t want to fall down the same trap that your mother went through.
    I can’t wait to read your hoorah post.

  6. You could do this , be confident and positive , even find someone to exercise with you I know it’s hard I’m over weight too and it’s really annoying when people point it out like I don’t know I’m fat I see it everyday but you can do just don’t get lazy like me lol

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