Oh how I loathe the times when I kept a record because I thought that I might need ammo to defend myself. I was not being a loving husband. When I felt under the microscope I thought that I needed her wrong doings as my defense. That is not a product of love. That is a product of selfishness and insecurity. Even if I felt “under fire” I should have treated her like the precious commodity that she is/was. I should have been man enough to listen to her concerns and accept constructive criticism. I should should have been tore up inside when she expressed concerns to me. I should have wanted to change myself when she needed it instead of holding out for her to change. I should have always taken the high road and if I thought that she was not performing as a wife I should have been encouraging instead of a complainer. I should have worked on my fear and depression at any cost. Why do we wait?? Why do we wait until we are rock bottom before we are able to step back and evaluate ourselves?? There may not be any science to it however that is what many of us do. Needless to say…. when I stepped away from myself and examined “me” I did not like what I seen. They say that it is never to late for transformation. I just wish that I could have taken those steps before I lost my family/wife. My beautiful bride deserves the man that I am becoming and who I will become. I am a work in progress. I stand on the promises of God and let his light expose any darkness within me. On a lighter note, I have had a lot of fun with my children this weekend. This evening we were discussing about how much fun that we have together. I told them that their mom would have a lot of fun with us. There is no greater gift than to have fun with family. I am excited for church tomorrow. I cannot wait to be in the house of God w/ fellow believers. I am anxious for a fresh word to empower/enlighten/convict me in any areas that I need it. I am thankful that my children are not whiny about going to church. I will do whatever in my power to provide them the tools to build them into great young adults and not have to go through the things that I have. There is no way that I can do that if I have dark areas in my life. Children see things in their parents whether we think that they notice or not. I am pumped up for another blessed week. I pray that my wife has a great week also. I am struggling with Thursday when I have to be in divorce court for the first time. I just have to assume that Jesus is in the courtroom with me. I hope that the heavenly presence is so thick in that court room that you can feel it. Lord, saturate that room. Bring peace upon me. I have faith in your works.