Saturday February 24th

John is at the groomer. I have been cleaning this morning after I dropped him off. It is still raining. The “back yard” if you can even call that rectangle of mud a yard, is a mess. I’m thinking about going to get some astroturf to put over the mud. 

I am trying really hard to save money so I can buy a house when my lease is up. There’s just not much left to save though after I pay my bills.

Later, that same day…

I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. The mother fucking governor trying to take my pension, the mother fucking president who is too stupid to walk and chew gum at the same time blasting out about just giving teachers guns to fix everything. The bullshit that I have to put up with from rude and disrespectful children every goddam day. I have just been OVER it this week. OVER it. I am tired of kids talking to me like I’m nothing. I’m tired of no support from parents or admin. I’m tired of trying to teach kids that don’t want to learn. I’m tired of working with and for dumb people. I’m tired of making so much of an effort that doesn’t seem to fucking matter. I hate myself for so many reasons and now I have another reason: this mistake of a career choice I have made. I should have gone back to college when I first thought of it after my first year of “teaching”. It wasn’t really teaching because I absolutely sucked and did a terrible job at it. I have to keep going, though. I have 21 years in. I can do 6 more years and draw a pension- unless the asshole governor manages to take it away from me somehow. My head is spinning, I am thinking so many things all at once. I really want to buy a house, but I don’t know that I can even at the end of my lease. I took out that loan to pay off my credit cards, which I did, and now I owe zero on them, but I do have that loan and that payment on my credit right now. I don’t even know that I will be able to save up enough to buy anything by October. Next year I will (should) bring home quite a bit more money. This year my salary was reduced since I started on October 23- like an idiot. I will have 139 days this year- one fucking day short to be able to count this year as my re-do to get my tenure back. Fuck. Leave it to me to do some dumb shit like that. Oh well, I think as long as I’m willing to work where I am now, no one will pink slip me. I don’t think people are lining up to work there. It’s rough. 

I have this idea about being a nurse in my head. When I’m at school and the children are being horrible, I imagine going to work at a place where no one back sassed me or broke up the pencils I bought with my own fucking money and threw them across the room, or wrote on the furniture for me to have to clean up, or broke the supplies and equipment that I bought with my own money to try to help them learn. I imagine what it would be like to go to work in a place where I didn’t have to buy my own supplies in order to do my job, where when it was “quitting time” I just went home and forgot about it until I clocked in the next day. If I could actually get an admin position in a school, that would be at least better than what I’m doing now. My best bet would be to just keep my head down for the next 3 school years, finish up my admin degree, start applying for admin jobs, and if I don’t get anything, I could start taking classes to be a nurse. I could retire and then start working as a nurse. If I was a nurse at UK, I could get college classes for free, I think. 

I must just keep going with what I’m doing now for two more school years for sure- then I think I can apply for admin jobs. I will also continue to watch the web site with vigilance for any home bound teaching jobs, or anything else that I see that would be way low stress. 

I am feeling a little better. I can do this.  

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