I cannot stop 1-28-08
I want to stop because I can not stop,
I know i shouldn’t do it but I can not resist and I cannot ignore it. I know its overtaken my life when I do it because i think of everything i need more than the drug, but still i cannot stop. My house needs toilet paper and laundry done, but week after week i victimize myself. I have so much happiness surrounding me and yet I continue to jeopardize it all. I deny to those who see without seeing, they know Im Lying. I hope they know I lie because i am ashamed. Ashamed to be so weak, so dependant on something that does nothing at all. Every night I lie awake wishing and praying for the strength to stop but with the first thought of a chance to do it I take it with no hesitation. My life will only improve without it so why can’t I quit. IM strong I know but not strong enough for this. I need a reason but why, i have so many already. I hate how I feel I hate how it makes him feel. I hate that after all i learned I still choose the wrong road. I still put myself in danger for no reason I can put into words. Perhaps addiction would work, but I don’t truly know, it feels like more than one word. Someone must be strong enough to carry me away. He must lead for me to follow or else we will remain lost and risk losing more love than we can fathom. I wish I could do it myself, but i know i can’t because i can not stop if i know where it is if I know it’s within reach. How sick must I be to not realize how much I have to love. To blind myself from the paini cause those I love the most. I need help I can not stand sober alone.
ten years ago I wrote that and here I am feeling the same these days…it will never end…