Guidance from A distance

I will never be able to fully explain how I feel around you, why I feel so comfortable around and why I believe I will never become bored with you.I understand you feel like you’re “older”, but there will never be enough time in the world to tell you how many times your youth posses you in the best way. And I adore that side of you too.

The world around me feels false, disoriented, and dreary. My friends make me laugh and I do feel genuine happiness at times. I do enjoy this world at times. I’m happy you exist in this world. I’m happy I get to see you and hang out with you.

Sometimes though, whether its quiet even when were both in the same room or we’re walking outside, or certain times I can’t always capture, or when you begin to talk,
it feel like the world fades out. Outlines, backgrounds, sounds fade out or blur. And there is a sort of “floating” warmth in my chest I can’t describe. My soul (if that’s what it is)  smiles. Sometimes I  have a forlorn, sorrowful, gloomy look on my face. But I don’t want you to stop.

I want to know about you, but I get scared and freeze. I want to ask things but I get nervous. I interrupt sometimes and feel awkward about bringing up what you were talking about later. I remember a lot of what you tell me. More than you’d believe or know. I just never know how to go about asking things without feeling like you’ll think I’m stupid.

I want to try to start telling to the cloud to fuck off for a little…

“We have a connection” is too simple. Accurate, but too simple for my liking.

He is a reality, I fell in love with, when I hate reality so much.

He is an artist. He is a gamer. He is intelligent. When he speaks about something that interests him, he is animated and charismatic. When on a nerdy rant, speaking about his love of the stars, reminiscing on memories,

when he speaks with passion in his heart,
he inhales in between sentences and words and it makes me smile. Only one of his many ‘isms’

He loves to be the difference. Doesn’t matter about what, he just enjoys debating and at times, contradicting for the fun if it. If the majority votes right, he turns left. That’s just how he is and I smile.

Right now he is in between Monster Hunter: World and G.U. .
I love that he asked me to play infection. I found it endearing. He mentioned a couple times and I could tell he wanted me to play.

I bought myself a Ps2 to play and I’ve been enjoying it a lot <3
_______

Today (Feb 25th. 2018)

I was honest with him in  a way I haven’t been with anyone, including myself.
I try so hard to be someone who is kind. But it exhausting. I realize I don’t have to exhaust myself for everyone who calls me their friend.

Because not everyone is a true friend.

I know I’m going through a point in my life where my mindset is changing. A second puberty? And even though, I don’t believe the AT&T guy is actually into me,

I still want him to know where my head is at.

He’s always been there, even when he doesn’t respond. He IS in my heart and I never expected him to be able to make want to remember this time in my life. He makes me feel like I don’t want to erase.

He helps me realize that there other people around who care. His concern, his smile, his laugh, his essence ,

the memories of his waving from his kiosk down the wing or glancing up from the counter and smiling,

they remind me that I don’t need to hurt myself. That I’m not alone.

He helps me realize that I have people close to me, like a Pisces, I can trust when I feel alone. He helps me remember that I am a lot stronger than I think. He has been a guidance.

A distant Guidance.

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