day one: the pending grief

While I broke up with Blue yesterday, I consider today to be my first full day as a newly single woman. I don’t know how I feel about it. 

Yesterday, I was emotional. Memories of our time together kept teasing me and I found myself almost always fighting back tears. But this morning I woke up completely numb. It was strange to know that I wouldn’t get his good morning texts or hear him say he loved me. And yet it was a manageable pain. Today it feels like all the grief and sadness and hurt is just sitting in my chest but I can’t get to it. It’s building up but not bubbling over, waiting for its time to break free. 

He told me he’s miserable and didn’t sleep last night. I feel like a horrible person because I slept just fine. In fact, I had a more restful sleep last night than I have in a while. It’s strange but I feel sad and yet free at the same time. I know breaking up with him was the right thing to do but I still hate to see him in so much pain. I mean, I do love him. It’s just not helping me to be with him. 

I don’t know. He was my first boyfriend. My first kiss. A lot firsts happened with him and we talked about getting married. But deep down inside I think I always just knew it couldn’t work out. Especially because my parents didn’t even know we were dating. I think the tipping point was when I realized I didn’t enjoy talking to him anymore. It’s just so sad to admit it because I really do love him. 

I was supposed to return his stuff to him today but I couldn’t do it. I just don’t want to see him. I’m so numb and I don’t want to see him cry. He never got a chance to give me my Valentine’s Day gift so he’s giving it to me now. I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want it because it’s a reminder of him…

On another note, my birthday is a month from now. I have no friends to celebrate with anymore but in a strange way, I’m okay with that. I’m restarting my life so maybe it’s a good thing that I have no one in my life right now. Although now I have no one to go to the Lorde concert with. 

Oh well, I guess. I find myself saying that a lot now. Oh well. 

-M

2 thoughts on “day one: the pending grief”

  1. I’m glad for the new freedom you feel. You were brave to break up. It is so hard on everybody, I know. I know you still love him, but not in that way.
    Getting a fresh start in life is a good thing, honey. I hope you will stay “up” and begin to find your destiny. God bless you, always.

  2. you will be fine. im going through divorce after 14 years of marriage, so i understand how you feel, but you have to make the right decisions for yourself. you will get through this!!!

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