Goodbye to first loves.

To my first love.

They say first love never dies. I hope it’s not true so that our love dies and we can start again with other people. I dont know how to not love you. Like I can’t think of any part of me having that ability. They told me one day. It’s been a year and i’m not even close. How do I realize that you’re my first love and just that. “Just” my first love. Sometimes, I think if that’s really the case for us: I can’t forget you and I’ll always long for you because you’re my first. Is that really how it works?

They say move on. I told myself today that I’m going to go home, study and not expect anything from you anymore. It’s unfair. I know that now. But at the same time how can anything ever work out between us if there’s always something.

Is that really it? Are we really just not meant to be? Maybe. I mean youre sisters don’t like me. My friends dont like you. Your friends call me immature. My brothers blame me for our breakup. You’re depressed. I’m too emotional. You want time. I want us to happen now. So many walls and bridges and obstacles to overcome. So many things that make our relationship not work.

I went to my condo today. Hoping to just study and get over us, but I fantasized you being at my doorstep. It’s been a year and I’m still hoping for that kind of love that we used to have. Maybe we’re not there anymore, I mean you’re not there anymore. I dont blame you. It’s just… I dont want to be asked to love only partially or to push my feelings away anymore. I don’t love like that. And if you call that immature and then call it whatever you want. That’s how I love.

You told me lets try. I did. Then you said take it slow. I did. Then you were sad because you couldnt think of yourself while you were with me. So I ended it for us. Then you said it was for me. I told you it wasnt. You insisted. But you still didnt want to talk. Nothing worked. Again, I dont blame you. But I guess this is goodbye for us.

To my first love. I wish nothing but happiness for you. 

 

Xoxo,

I will still keep dancing under the rain.

3 thoughts on “Goodbye to first loves.”

  1. First love is deeply special, true. I went with a boy in highschool for 3 years. Went to college and met someone else. I felt so guilty. I still loved my first boyfriend; but I loved this new friend too. I married the college guy and we’ve been happily together for 47 years. Yes. 47. I still occasionally dream about my first love and when that happens I pray for him, for all to be well in his life, for him to be happy. Just like you said about your first. It’s okay to let him go, and it’s okay to pray blessings on him. Ask God to heal your heart.

  2. Time does amazing things, Sweetie. You will get over him. He’ll always be a fond memory, a little sad, but not heart-broken. You will love again. Try to be brave and take one day at a time. It’s going to be all right. Promise.

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