It seems to have gone out. I cannot get up. I’m having such a hard time just staying upright. I don’t want to do this any more. There is so much more than just what is understood. The depression has once again crippled my every thought and move. The guilt weighs me down. The loneliness and isolation is all that comforts me only because I know I cannot be hurt by another in this place. The cancer hurts much more than i thought. The addiction is a constant nagging in my mind. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to exist. I miss my friend.