What the hell is wrong with Ian?  He’s been acting affectionate all damn day.  I don’t know what the hell he expects from me.  I keep pulling away because  I know as of Sunday morning I’ll never see him again.  I’m going to make sure of that.  I’m thinking of asking them to put me in a new room so Ian can’t find me.  And leaving in April.  I know, despite what he keeps promising me that I’ll never see him again and even if I do I’m going to have to compete with some invisible woman.  He said once that we’d still have sleepovers but I doubt that.  He’s just broke too many promises lately for me to believe anything he tells me.  I don’t care what he does or says I refuse to trust him any more.  I refuse to allow myself to trust him regardless of what my head, my gut or my heart tells me.  I can’t let him or any other man in again….never will I allow anyone else to get close to me or allow myself to love or feel love again.  I can’t do it.  I can’t risk the hurt and the pain again.  NEVER  will I allow trust or love in again.

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