day two: anxiety and heartache

Last night got really bad. The entire time that Blue and I were together (five months), I had a feeling he wasn’t totally over his ex. I knew he loved me but I could tell he still cared for her and even missed her. I don’t mind if he still cares for her, but missing her…that’s too much for me. She treated him so poorly. She forced herself on him, emotionally abused him, etc. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have dated him so quickly after they broke up. That was stupid on my part. 

Anyway, while we were dating he would always deny still being hung up on her. Last night I got him to admit that he is and it ached. Even though I knew it all along, hearing him say it hurt. And it got worse. He’s in contact with her again. At first he said that he texted her because I broke up with him and he had no one left. But then after we talked/fought more, it came out that he texted her THE NIGHT BEFORE I broke up with him. That hurt, too. He said he was planning on telling me but I know he wasn’t going to. 

A small part of me hates him right now. 

He always had a problem with telling me the truth and not just what he thought I wanted to hear. We talked about it so many times but he still did it. I know it’s for the best that we’ve broken up but my heart hurts today. We said some awful things last night, things that can’t be taken back. It guts me to know that he’s talking to her again and that he lied about when he started talking to her. I have a feeling he saw her while we were together. He denied that, too, but then again he’s denied a lot of things. 

I’m so anxious. It feels like everything in my life is a total mess right now. I have no friends anymore. Blue was my best friend until our relationship started crumbling and now he’s more or less dead to me. I feel nothing but contempt for him. How sad that someone I once loved so much is now nothing to me…

My best friend of ten years is no longer in the picture. Our relationship was always shaky anyway but it still hurts. The only person I have to talk to is one of my coworkers. He’s incredibly sweet and I find that I can be more of the person I want to be when I’m with him. He’s about nine years older than me, but I genuinely like him as a person. I’m grateful for his friendship right now but I still ache with loneliness. 

I truly don’t know what path I’m on right now. I’ve stopped praying to God. I stopped a long time ago. He feels so far away and I’m angry at him for just watching in silence while I’m in so much pain. I know that’s not what He’s really doing but it feels like it. It wouldn’t kill Him to just answer me, would it? 

There’s a song by Rich Mullins called Hard to Get. I think about it a lot lately. I’m so tired by my life. It’s a drag just to put one foot in front of the other. I need something to change for the better. 

At least spring is coming. There’s always hope in spring. 

-M

 

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