Down

Oh my gosh I just want all the words of complete and utter despair to be automatically typed out for me right now. I don’t even have the energy to write about how awful I feel. Currently overdosing (I’ll be ok though I promise) I just want the negative thoughts in my head to go to be numbed…so caught up in the past, all the people who never stayed in my life because of being in hospital and because in the end my own pain was poisoning their life too. Left with no one here in Taffs Well trying to raise my son in a house I’ve been stuck in nearly 30 years. I know I am so lucky to have Harry so happy and healthy but his father’s family we never speak to. How is that supposed to work in future. Things are only going to get worse. There are days when I just think my son hates me, he’s perfectly behaved with his father and with me can honestly be a nightmare. I hate feeling so stuck here in this house. I feel I need to be doing more for my son and being a better mum but I’m fucking doing the opposite just to get past. I can barely explain properly how I feel. I just feel lost and the future looks black and I’m sure I’ll end up killing myself for some stupid reason and that’ll be me failing completely as a mum.

I don’t even know what to say anymore the one statement that’s been sticking in my head is that one from the film Girl, Interrputed when Susanna and Nurse Valorie have that nasty exchange of words and the nurse says to Susanna “You’re a self-indulgent little girl who is driving herself crazy,” and that’s how I feel about myself right now. I just really am an awful person and that’s why I have little friends and anyone know knew me in the past now hates my guts and would never want to see me again ever. I need to put this out my mind for my son but I can’t. I’m a horrible mother and I KNOW it.

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