OH shit man. It was my friend’s sister’s birthday and this girl was mesmerizing. The whole night I wanted to be around her, but I tried playing it cool (I can never do that again it’s too much damn work) then decided to just ride the high and let the music take over. I have never loved music more than I did that night. I let go. I danced my ass off. I even led for a bit with my friend until she pointed it out ! I got so bashful, but I wasn’t embarrassed I was actually really excited that my brain and body were so in tune with the music! Oh to relive that moment! Anyways that girl. oh my mind. When I see a girl I fancy and she jsut so happens to like a couple things about me I zero the fuck in. It’s not something i enjoy. I become a creeper. I hate it. I hate so much. That’s not how you interact with someone. All i wanted the whole was to own her. I wanted to own her and I can’t I can’t I can’t let mysefl continue with this thought process of “OH she’s perfect. My dream girl. Let me put her on a pedestal. She can do no wrong. She will be mine and she will e perfect.” No on is perfect. I didn’t exactly say this in my mind, but it was along that thought process this weekend. I’m ashamed of it. I still don’t know how to talk to a girl. How to approach one in a romantic sense y’know?
I’m glad I was aware of what I was doing though. I almost schemed a scenario, but didn’t go through with it. I’m not in a good mindset to be with someone again. Not if my immediate reaction to someone is to go off the rails creepy in my mind. it’s unhealthy. I realized I was crushing hard fucking core though. So hardcore. But I barely know the chick. it’s all in my head and I shouldn’t project my thoughts and feelings on another human being and get pissed when they don’t do what I expected them to do because they are unaware of it all.
That’s what I did to my ex. I was too scared to communicate with her and if fucked shit up. and I blew up randomly. I was mean. That fear of being mean again is stopping though. I have to be sure in myself and know my own baggage before attempting to be serious or even casual with someone. I’m too sensitive. I’m in my head too much still. oh shit on mdma i was so relaxed. Gave no fucks! Amazing night. A night of revelations. Including the bathroom which I will hopefully elaborate on further tonight or sometime this week.