Trapped 😪

I feel like I’m trap in my own little world. I feel like the people I’m supposed to be safe with. Comfortable with. Myself with. I just cant. I will get judged. I feel like I can’t be a good daughter. A good sister. A good friend. A good girlfriend. I can’t even be good to myself. I put poison in myself. I don’t care about myself. I care so much about others but still try to act like I don’t give a shit like I’m heartless and cold hearted when I’m actually am in a sense but it fails. When I get to know someone doesn’t matter how. As a friend or more. I never get comfortable I try my best to never get used to anything get gassed up nothing. Cause everything ends. Bad things ends. But good things end too. So when I do get close with the person that’s where I fuck up that’s when I get hurt and I just start doing the most for someone when they wouldn’t even lift a feather for me. Lol I have “friends” that talk about me I have “family” that do the same. So I’m I wrong for feeling like this when growing up I just been betrayed the whole time? Lol I guess not. But it’s just sad cause I love my “family” to death I’ll do anything for them and for my “friends” too but I see that they won’t and I’m actually okay with that because I’m so used to it it’s actually pretty sad but that’s just reality. I truly want to be happy I never dreamed on a fantasy or happily ever after I never even dreamed about getting married but I did about having kids and being happy with my kids when I was younger not thinking you need a man to make kids lol thought I would tell god well I want a boy and I just got pregnant but no it doesn’t work like that. I don’t want to get married I don’t believe in marriage because I don’t believe in people I see people everyday hurting the ones they “love” everyday. When I was younger I told myself I would “never”. Shit I was WRONG. Hanging with the wrong crew not even just seeing that so much and in the family… You start to think it’s fine to do. So I hurted a few people that I’m not proud of at all . And the crazy part is that they don’t know I hurted them. And at the moment I’ve hurt someone that’s really good to me and I can’t stand the chance of losing that person so I try my best to do everything right. I know what I did I regret it. I haven’t told the person because I know that person would disappear. And I’ll probably be hurt but it doesn’t matter because sooner or later everything comes in the LIGHT. That’s why I try my best to be honest and true with everybody even tho not everybody deserve it. I have done so much things that I regret and wish when I have my own children in the future they don’t have to go threw what I did or do anything I have done before. The closest person to me it’s actually a little person who I always tell everything I do, yes everything the bad the good the stupid the everything, so when they grow up they don’t have to make the same mistakes I did . Don’t get me wrong everybody makes mistakes but if they don’t do the same as me that’s all I’m worried about. At the moment I’m struggling with a few goals I put for myself. And to be fucking honest it’s hard. It’s hard trying your best being the bigger person and nobody can’t even give recognition , be appreciated, some support , not even wow I’m really proud of you. It hurts and it sucks cause I’m trying but nobody sees that but when I mess up the whole world comes for me. And I’m tired of it but I have faith in god and hopefully I go threw wt these goals I have set for myself. Even since I was a little girl I never believed in love because love gets you hurt or killed. Somebody I would of never thought broke my heart. And I just thinking to myself what did I do to deserve this. So I was never the type to have bunch of boyfriends or anything like that but not only because of that but because I’m an ugly person. Physically I’ve been bullied when I was younger and I never showed them I was hurt but I would stay shut but after awhile I got tired I became mean and cruel nobody liked that I still got bullied but at least I defended my self. You might be asking what do you mean ugly. I was never a skinny girl I’m not gonna say I’m fucking huge cause I could fit threw a door no offense but I would call my self fat but the real term would be chubby/chunky i have rolls I have big arms and legs thighs but I’m a very short person so my arms are short and fat my legs are short and fat so you could only imagine. Growing up I always told myself I would never have a boyfriend because I’m so ugly. That happen in elementary middle school and than it started changing a little bit when I was in middle school that’s when I was on social media more and I started getting notice by guys but only online that was the bummer part. 8th grade was when I started talking to guys and I felt actually cute. Mind you I only had face pictures because I was so insecure about my body people would think I’m hiding something and I would straight tell them I’m fat they never believed me but than I showed someone how I looked and you don’t know how nervous I was . I swear I was gonna start crying if they said something mean but they told me your not fat your beautiful yes you not skinny and have a few extra pounds but you are really beautiful I started lowkey getting my confidence something I never had because my own family made fun of me. And the more pics I took and posted the more love I got. Saying wow your curvy wow your thick all the things girls would want to hear. But I know I’m not “thick” people always get that confused. This is how imma explain my body. I have a few extra pounds actually a lot of extra pounds but my stomach doesn’t hang , I have rolls and big calves and arms but I have big thighs when that comes to play guys love that not all but some. I don’t have a cute face but I don’t think I have such an ugly one too , I’m really short so you notice I’m chunky real fast. But the older I got the more self confidence I got don’t get me wrong I’m still so insecure about my body because I know not everybody likes “big” girls and it’s sad when people look at me disgusted but I try my best to just be happy god made me like this for a reason. And yes if I don’t like my body I could change it with exercise and I actually have but I’m such a lazy person lol. But if I were to say the best think about myself is my personality I feel as like it’s gold seriously. I’m just a funny person laid back chill cool energetic love having fun and making people laugh smile happy etc I love dogs and babies I love food omg lol I’m really loud crazy random imma nice person and sweet but I also could be really mean and cruel I’m wild very helpful and stubborn I could be rude I feel like I’m spontaneous and fabulous lol very generous and could be serious and respectful I feel like I’m unique blunt I’m smart for the most part but I’m dumb as well I feel like I could be a good friend if people are just a hundred with me I have a crazy attitude I’m very talkative but you should already notice that awhile ago I’m just a jolly person with a good heart just messed up sometimes. I like going out and having fun I’m such a dare devil . I like being happy and making people happy as well. I came here really upset and now I’m feeling just fine writing everything I feel. Would of been happy to talk to someone but I guess writing it down and letting strangers read it and give there opinion or outputs could work too. I have a smart mouth so if you say something I feel like it’s offensive just know I will be coming for you. But if you feel like sharing something that could help me and you think it would sound offensive just say oh not coming at you or anything lol but yeah whoever read this thank you for wasting your time lol and hope everyone is good and safe . And ps the pictures aren’t me but what I feel I look like 🤗 . Z 💜

5 thoughts on “Trapped 😪”

  1. “everything ends” that fact had me fucked up for awhile. something my counselor has always had to tell me is that just because something has an end doesn’t mean it’s not worth beginning. amusement park rides have an end. eating a delicious meal comes to an end. as does love. either by death or breakup. but falling in love is the most amazing thing there is in this world and all the memories and lessons learned will be worth it. just being there and feeling that with somebody is worth it. you have to live in the moment. and i feel you, about family and friends talking about you. it sucks. my family does that all the time.

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