forgiven

Mom i been dealing with if i should forgive you but i’m so mad at you and can’t seem too.You choose to leave us, You knew you would die if you kept having more kids. You left dad hurt and alone. Having to give up his rights because you weren’t there. Do you have a clue how much it hurts us kids to see him in and out of hospitals, drunk and depressed. His health went to shit mom and started to lose his mind. How he would ask where you are and us kids would have to tell him that your gone over and over again.

Why? How could you choose that way out? I don’t got memories much of you but i do remember you doing drugs, party after party, fights. i hate the way i remember you! I don’t know what its like to have a mother and never will. Wonder sometimes if it was better if you did die because i know us kids would of went to shit if we all was raised in that green house. Its been almost 18 years mom and i still can’t seem to forgive you.

Than it gonna be almost 2 years since dad passed and fuck i miss you dad. At least i did make some memories with you that i will cherish forever.I’m sorry dad i am so sorry that i didn’t call or visit you. I’m sorry i didn’t finish school like you wanted me too because i could tell you was so happy when i was and working. I know you not mad at me and all but damn dad i can’t forgive myself for not being there. I barely recognized you dad in that casket because its been so long. I know you told us to not be sad when your gone but its so hard dad. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams because that how i remember you with that smile with your white tank top on. I’m not sure if i deserve to get a tattoo for you but i really want too dad so i have you with me and you be next to mom. I love you daddy

Other than being depressed because i’m still dealing with all of this. i am doing okay but its hard to keep on acting like i’m still happy and all. I’ve been so tired and exhausted and at times i ain’t gonna lie that i thought of the easy way out but i can’t leave my two boys. I wish i had someone to talk too that won’t judge me but understand me cuz i’m fucked up. Wish my family was a family but since you passed away dad we all went to shit. Half of us don’t even talk to one another when we should be there for one another. I can’t seem to forgive Jessica as what she did was really messed up. I don’t understand why but their is no excuse enough to not let two of my siblings say good bye to dad when he was still alive but had to when do it at his funeral.I miss my family so damn much.

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