Mexico

We are going to Mexico tomorrow.  I wish you were going with us and I wish we had gone on more trips together.  However, I am glad that we went to Florida together and all of our Easley Family vacations.  I am in a weird place right now with losing you – it’s like I can’t find my feelings right now or feel much of anything about it.  It freaks me out because when we first lost you, it was nothing but feelings and then all of a sudden, it was just nothing.  I know I’m sad about it and I know I miss you but I feel nothing.  It’s like my feelings have no pulse right now.  Is that normal?  It’s weird because I’m a pretty emotional person and the only thing I’ve felt really emotional about lately is how much I love your son and your wife – nothing else really seems to hit on my scale right now.  Is that the way it’s supposed to be?  Like a numb feeling?  Maybe it’s just that I don’t know how to feel.  I think that is partly because it just felt like you were gone on vacation or on a business trip but 3 months has now passed and you should be back now.  So I think I’m just confused.  Confused as to why you aren’t back or aren’t here.  So that’s why I don’t know how to feel.  I’m nervous about the trip and I’m anxious today.  Having you around always made me feel safe.  Michael absolutely makes me feel safe but when you were there, it was just different.  Having your daddy there is just a different kind of security feeling.  And that’s what you were to me so maybe that’s why I’m so anxious.  Funny, now that I am writing to you today I am starting to feel my feelings more.  I think we just need to keep talking about you.  Or as I’m doing, talking to you.  Random thought here but you would not believe what Michael has done with the shop.  You might have been irritated that he was rearranging things at first but you cannot deny now the wonders that he has done with that space.  He’s working on all of the cars, and I mean really kicking butt.  The space and how he is using it makes so much sense.  He should be a professional shop organizer – I mean, he had a big job with yours ( I can hear you saying “bite me” in my head).  I can only imagine that it will continue to look better and better.  I’m so proud of him and I know you would be too.  I miss you.

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