scatterbrained // 2.27.18

dear diary,

im supposed to be sleeping right now but daddy asked me to do this (key word asked) so i’m being extra nice. i’ve been thinking a lot about moving and having a fresh start. really envisioning everything. what my routine will be, my balcony, the gym, being alone… i’m really sad about getting rid of arlo. i feel so so stupid. this is the second time i’ve made this mistake. i’m not even thinking about getting another dog until way later on when we’ve bought a house and are settled- if ever. not only am i okay with and used to not having a dog now, i just don’t see us really settling down anywhere for that long of a period and you never know what the may adventure might be. i don’t want that to hold us back. it’s also made me realize that i want to wait longer to have sebastian. as of right now i can’t see having more than one child really. if im going to do anything it has to be perfect or else it drives me insane. if i can’t commit myself to something 100% then it’s not perfect and it never will be. anyways.. i’m happy that i haven’t included my dad on any part of the process of moving into the new space. ummmmmmmm. and i miss going to the gym. that’s weird. i can’t really get myself to work out at home. i need that dedicated space to go to, you know?

i really don’t think i’ll ever look back at these after posting them, but if i do.. yes i’m dramatic okay we (future and present self) know this. the last few posts compared to this one is laughable. the difference between them. i mean..i’m not happy right now, i’m just not thinking about it. about my appearance and where i’m at in life. but i am much happier than i was and even though it really really really sucked i’m grateful that it taught me how much i really need and love him. my daddy is my absolute everything. i’m pretty sure what we’re doing now is definitely going against the mastery of love book that i was so enthusiastic about, but this is 10000x better. i could’ve never been this vulnerable loving the way that book spoke of. i love that i’m actually feeling emotional and not getting defensive or shutting him off/ pushing away. that book mostly helped me to understand that i needed to heal everything before i could be okay again. i’m so happy with us. i’m so happy being his princess (:

well this has been a good example of how my thoughts are just never complete before i’m on to something else. i’ll stick to one topic next time. 

goodnight. x

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