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He’s definitely feeding me what I want to hear even in his sleep.  I asked him yesterday what he was going to do about next week and he was thinking of staying with me and while he was asleep he said we didn’t have to be apart the week he wouldn’t get a check.  I don’t want him around and I do want him around.  But then there’s Jeff.  He’s lousy in bed and not exactly the best at making me come but he’s sweet and he’s being touchy feely, soso.  I could see him being a good companion.  He rented a room at a local motel last night just so we could meet and play.  I suggested when I got rid of Ian that we could have some sleepovers and he was game.  I made sure to stroke his ego and he said he thought I was awesome.  I’m sure eventually I’ll feel for him like I do for Ian.  What do I do if I just can’t get rid of Ian?  I want Jeff to have a fighting chance.  It was nice having an older man around last night.  He was a sweetheart.

Ian and I had sex this morning and he initiated it.  It was great as usual.   I had to remind myself he was thinking of the bitch.  I caught him trying but not going into their chat head.  He loves here.  All I am to Ian is a friend and that’s all I’ll be if I’m lucky.  Just a passing fancy.  He lied when he told me he could see us going long term.  Why do I always get myself into this shit with emotionally  bereft men who I don’t stand a chance with.  I know now that I do have sucker tattooed to my forehead.

I don’t see how Ian can not know I’m still on AFF looking for someone else.   I think Ian suspects I’m seeing someone else but just doesn’t care.  I think he’ll probably be glad to get rid of me.  Men usually are glad to get rid of me.  I tried to lay down on the bed next to Ian and he got up and moved.  He doesn’t even want to be next to me physically.

 I’m still ugly and repulsive….I doubt Jeff will even want me for long, just a week or so I’m sure.

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