Every day is a step closer to losing Ian. I’m scared, petrified even. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to sleep alone again…a big empty bed. All alone. I keep telling Ian that I won’t see him after Sunday but he keeps telling me don’t think like that. He’s going to be out on his ass again next week because he missed work all this week again without calling in sick. I think he’s been fired from his job. He says he doesn’t want to live with me permanently but this week my gut instincts are telling me otherwise. I think he’s figured it out about Jeff and is trying to stay with me as long as possible to keep from losing me to him when he’s screwing Miranda. His penis came up raw right about the time she held on to it too tight and made it hurt. He told her he was no longer free and she threw a fit and called me fresh cunt and he didn’t defend me. And in the meantime his sex drive toward me went from 100 to 0. He thinks he’s enough man to handle 2 women, well he isn’t. I’m hurting so bad I’m having to force myself to eat. I know he sees me as repulsive now. He looked at me last night like I was totally disgusting. I should have learned that I’m ugly and repulsive…I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me or want me.
And I just discovered his phone wasn’t turned off this entire time. He just blocked me from calling him.
I just watched him add money to his phone. Or what looked like it. He unblocked me from calling him now.