3/2/18 — sexual anxiety

Took a very refreshing shower today. It had felt like forever since the last time I got washed up. It was about time. I keep saying I’m going to shave, and I just never get around to it. For most of the day I stayed laying in bed. At one point I had my friend Trent pick me up, and the two of us went driving around, blaring his speakers that have a freakishly loud bass. It was nice though. Drove outside our city and towards my hometown and then further into a little town that’s pretty cut off from everywhere else. There’s not many places in Louisiana that I’d call beautiful, but this place was. This town was just by the river, and the sun shining on it made it look really blue. I loved it.

After he brought me home, I stayed in bed until I felt like going to the mall. Which I did. I went to one of the clothing stores in there, Buckle, and asked them if they were hiring, which they are. The girl I talked to was so nice too. I didn’t even have serious anxiety when talking to her about applying there. I gave her my email and phone number, she sent me the online application as well as give me the store’s business card in case I wanted to go to their website and apply there. I’m so happy. I finally did it and either tonight or tomorrow morning I’ll send in an application. I need a job so bad. And I’m so ready!

Played a few games of Pump, that dance game I love to play. It’s a good work out on my legs. Anyway, one of my many friends-with-benefits, Nick, came stop by to play a few games. I hadn’t fooled around with him since December I think. I say fooling around, but the most we’ve ever done is suck each other’s dicks. Mostly in his car while we drive around the city.

Well, after playing Pump for a while, we went back to his apartment. He has a boyfriend (of nine years!) and he’s aware that Nick fools around with other guys, and doesn’t care, which is awesome. The boyfriend was working an overnight shift, so we had the place to ourselves. Thankfully Nick didn’t make me feel like I had to let him fuck me. Anal sex is something I’m still a tad uncomfortable with. So we stuck with sucking, which he was cool with.

I wish my anxiety didn’t act up so bad though. After what happened with my ex Turner and how he revealed he didn’t enjoy what we did together, and considering I fool around with Marcus who’s closeted and hasn’t done stuff with guys in a while, my performance anxiety was really bad. I kept asking the same questions over and over again.

“You like this?” “Are you uncomfortable?” “Do you want me to cum now or take a little longer?” “Does this feel good?”

Like I couldn’t just shut up and let us enjoy ourselves. No, I had to go and be weird and make sure every five minutes that what we were doing (which was only sucking dick!!!) was alright. I hate myself so much. I got him to cum, which tasted pretty good and it was a pretty big load.

I….could not cum. I was thinking too much, I kept stopping to talk or ask him if I’m taking too long, which made me take longer…until my horniness completely shut off and I couldn’t even get hard again. Anything he did to it felt good, it just wasn’t hard and I was nowhere near climax yet. He didn’t mind though. I got him off. He wasn’t disappointed or anything. I don’t know why I apologize for not cumming or why I beat myself up for it. I already pleased him, it’s me who has to suffer now.

But anyway, rant over. It’s technically the third now, being past midnight, but I put it as the second up there ^^^ so I don’t get confused on what day this happened on.

Goodnight, Journal.
12:28 AM

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