When you’re so messed up you don’t realize that it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s yours. It’s not your friend’s fault they don’t understand you. It’s not your guy’s fault he can’t give you what you need. It’s not your family’s fault they care about their own lives. It’s not anyone’s fault you’re forgotten. It’s not anyone’s fault they forgot me.
I’m so tired of trying ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Trying what? Trying to be funny, to be okay, to be relevant, to be the best, to be perfect. They don’t get it. I hurt myself when I’m sad. I get anxiety watching netflix. I get disappointed at myself, every freaking day. Not like disappointed, pat on the shoulder kind-of-thing. Disappointed, why am I even here type of thing.
I’m not suicidal, at least, I don’t think I am. But I do often think, that a lot of times, I need to be sick or in pain for people to care. No one freaking cares. I mean sure they have empathy and concern but do they genuinely care? Care to think about me even if I’m okay? Care to ask how I’m doing if there’s no reason to. Because, every freaking day I feel like I’m in a foreign island where no one knows me, and I’m only interesting for a day, actually maybe just an hour.
I’m so scared. I have no one. Yeah okay, I have people who “love” me but do they know me. Can they accept me for who I am if I stopped trying to pretend? And if I stopped trying so hard to matter, will they still know me?
I get lost in my worries. I’ve told that to myself over and over again and yet here I am… confused, lost, alone and afraid. I’m so afraid, no, I’m terrified. I WANT TO GIVE UP. I want to stop having to worry about every little thing.
Oh God, let me give up. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep making people like me and care about me. I can’t keep trying to push and push and yet I’m never gonna be good enough. God please, let me rest. Let me stop worrying because I can’t be terrified anymore, it’s so exhausting. Being terrified is what makes me keep trying and trying and trying. For what? To be mediocre? To be irrelevant and lost and confused and scared all over again?
I’m so young and I know I have so much more. But why does it feel like I have nothing anymore? I lost it all. My willpower, my inspiration, my strength, my passion, my friends, my loved one. I have nothing and I have no one. I guess that’s why we were made to be one, just one.
They say no man is an island, but what if I am an island or a body of water passing through everything, away and away she goes.
from the girl who suddenly stopped dancing.