March Madness

It has been more than a whole month since my last journaling but I was feeling the need today. It may be another month before I write again, I’ll be in a low tech environment for schooling as of the 12th. However, life update for those of you that just can’t wait to gobble up someone else venting their issues. That’s clearly what people can’t get enough of right?

Well let us see, work is well work going well as it can, normal stresses and issues. I’ve finally been discharged from physical therapy. After about the third visit for some ankle issues I realized it wasn’t really helping as much as I’d hoped. So, I learned to grit and take it until they discharged me. I’m still seeing a podiatrist so we’ll see if they have something different to say after this latest MRI. Did have my first stab at dry needling a.k.a. acupuncture which was a strange and unique experience. We’ll see if needles in the leg help anything, I wonder who came up with the idea originally. I know it’s an ancient Chinese art form almost but the original person that thought jabbing people with needles could help.

On the hubby front well complicated I’m not writing this because I’m angry so much as I’m numb at this point. I was on vacation with my parents I paid to have them fly out to see us but on a good note he really couldn’t join us because it was his first week at a new job. Woot, finally, yea or as I would find out 2 days before coming home no. His first and last week at this job so it would seem. He came home after the first day making comments how he felt unsure about it. Well apparently they agreed with him saying he lacked the basic mechanic’s knowledge for the job. I don’t know if it really hit home what I’ve been trying to tell him which is he needs a job any job to keep his skills sharp. Even if he doesn’t get a mechanic’s job just sitting at home really isn’t an option but who am I besides sugar mama at this point.

Needless to say I didn’t handle it very well when he told me over the phone during my R&R trip. Timing is not one of our strong suits as a couple because my response was, “We can’t keep going through this and we need to see a couple’s therapist.” Which was apparently ground breaking news for him. Not only did he lose his job which sure is going to make anyone feel like crap but his marriage isn’t going peachy-keen like he thought in who knows what fairytale land. His response I could only possibly be saying that because I was drunk. No not in the slightest as it was but let me tell you his losing the first job he’s had in months after a week and not having any kind of romantic relationship beyond a peck on the damn cheek was just the fuel I needed to get stinking drunk. Not one of my classier moments I’ll admit but after several conversations and talking the next day he agreed to talk to someone. Only problem, yea right only, is that when I got home I still haven’t had the balls big enough to show him a few of the numbers for free, confidential couple’s therapy. 

So surprise ultimately nothing has changed but as stated previously after about the 9th or 10th time of talking to him about his lack of sex drive and ambition to find work I’m done. I mean sure if it was a new argument, plea or discussion I’m not that much of an ass that I want my husband to guess why I’m mad or unsatisfied. However, after literally having the same conversation every 6 weeks or so to goad him into submitting a group of job applications and to make have what sums up to crappy pity sex with me I can’t handle it anymore. I’m 26 I think being intimate more than once a year isn’t too much to ask for. So I haven’t given him the ultimatum in words because ultimatums are terrible for relationships but if this all goes a year or more. A year without intimacy, without celebrating any special holiday or occasion (i.e. birthdays, anniversaries etc.), a year without any type of income and always coming home to a messy house then screw it. I’ll be another Army statistic of divorcees.

I’m not entirely sure the man I married is still there because none of this is how the relationship started up. Just because you put a ring on it doesn’t mean that’s the end of your trying, that you shouldn’t try to be productive or maintain yourself in some way for the person you’re with. Yes, he doesn’t hit me, talk down on me, cheat on me, or gamble or drink. However, I can’t really put things a decent human being should just do on the list of pros. And if you can’t tell the list of cons is just stacking higher and higher by the second: no job, gained massive amounts of weight, doesn’t clean, still smokes despite trying to quit, not intimate, doesn’t celebrate any special occasions and regardless of him saying how much he wanted kids even over another marriage doesn’t seem to now. It is a 50/50 thing here though if you want to judge someone and be critical you must hold yourself to the same standard so how do I hold up to those same characteristics. Well obviously I have a job and support both of us fully while trying to give him an allowance, gained maybe 10 pounds most of which is muscle, I’m the only one that cleans, I don’t smoke, I’d love any intimacy, I try to pull things together so that despite moving out here he always has a decent Christmas, birthday, anniversary etc. I’ve hit my baby clock ticking time and would love kids but these are but wasted dreams at this point it feels like.

I say all of this but I know I have plenty of flaws too. I’m working the courage to talk to him about actually going to those aforementioned therapists but I’m starting to really wonder if it’s worth it. Do I even care to try to save us? I did make him give up a lot and I feel like I’ve been overcompensating trying to make up for the fact. Plus, there is always that familiarity thing where after 4 years between dating and marriage it’s a lot to just throw away. However, I just feel like this is a very unfair situation and waiting for it to change has not helped. Gently goading and trying to have one on one conversations in a calm manner to fix problems as they come has not help. He always turns defensive things change for about a week and then it’s back to the same. Screw it when he finally wakes up and maybe after I get back to the gym I’ll sit down with him and those numbers but if this doesn’t work I guess I’ll be the one to file papers. Over and out all!  

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