Two questions I have asked myself to answer. This is in lieu of what I should have been writing about and an attempt to stay away from Facebook. I’ve noticed that my inherent loneliness has me reaching for social media in hopes of connecting in one way, shape, form, or fashion, even if it’s to cause trouble. I need some consistent friends where I’m currently living and I don’t have that. I continually remind myself of my lack of support here in this world that I put myself in. That sense of isolation has me still reeling from all this. And then I have this paranoid delusion that I’m going to get demoted from my job because all my subordinates think I’m an idiot and don’t respect me. But I honestly don’t know if it’s a delusion or not. I keep thinking I’m seeing signs of this, but then I bring into question if it’s really true what I’m seeing. Then to tack on more crazy, I keep thinking that somehow I have managed to figure out how people think via the way they act and whatnot. I would like to think I am a pretty good reader of people, but… I’m not sure. I just read some articles on how to tell if someone doesn’t like you, I have confirmed at least 1-3 signs. I know he doesn’t like me, and that’s fine. But don’t disrespect me. I’m new at this, and I know he disrespects me mostly because of that, but if he wants my job, he should say something and quickly so I can move on with my life and not have this anxiety hanging over my head.
This is something I’ve been grappling with for years now. I can say that with my endless string of jobs and my unsatisfactory nature about them all, that I don’t want to live a normal life. I don’t want to live a life where I’m unoriginal (though I am) or inauthentic (which is now becoming a fault). My only thing to separate me from the masses is to do something amazing. I have to be amazing in order to ensure that my memory stays alive. I’m not having kids, so that option’s out. Meaning the only way to stay alive — in a sense — is to do something that has either never been done or very few have done. I want to look at myself and say that I am amazing. Look at what I have done to change the world as a whole. Look at the movement I have created, the wave that has resulted in a storm changing the cultural norm. I want to change this culture. I want to be the patient zero on the new thoughts that spread like a virus to change the world, change the status quo. But here I am too scared to do anything. There is so much that needs a change here, but my old programming is to favor the pacifist, don’t argue, get anxious when others start to yell. When someone disagrees, don’t do anything. They’ll hurt you. You’re wrong. You’re always wrong. When have you been right?? When have your opinions ever reached the ears of those deaf to you? Why would someone respect a flouncy, unpredictable, ill confident person like you?
These are the thoughts that plague me daily and continually feed into itself like an ouroboros. The bottom line is I don’t respect myself because of the things I have done and have made myself do. According to me, I don’t have a very good track record of respect. All I have ever cared about was to be accepted as I don’t believe I had that too often growing up. I keep bringing up the rejection I kept experiencing, hoping that writing about it will help me get past it, but I feel like I just keep bringing up the same points over and over again. I am begging someone to challenge me. Refute me in a way I can’t explain. But then again, people have tried and I can refute their claims with their subjective reality claims. They see things one way and I see it this way. There is no way to decide what’s real and what’s false between two other people. Even if bringing in several others, that just creates a consensus of this shared reality that can never be scientifically proven. I believe myself to be disrespectable because of my actions. Someone, maybe my best friend, constantly tells me that he loves me and the things that a good friend does when someone they care about feels like shit. He’ll tell you that he’s learned lots from me over the course of our 10-year friendship. But I think that he’s only telling me any of this to keep himself in my good graces to get what he wants, whatever that may be.
And I’m projecting again.
God here go my unreasonable expectations again. I expect him to fulfil the role of my abusive brother and absent father. Much like what I did to most of my exes. Anyone that I get emotionally involved with all of a sudden turns into my dumping ground of insecurity and weakness. I understand that I can be weak sometimes around others, but they are not my dumping ground for all of my insecurities. God, have I been doing this to my friends the whole time? Have I been that… girl that everyone just accommodates because of their sick mentality? I beg for acceptance, hence people notice and take me in only to fuel their own innate narcissism? I know how to make people feel good, but over the years I have become sick of it. I’m tired of striving for acceptance when I know not everyone gives a damn. Yet I still yearn for it. I still push myself to search and search…. I think my only end is in death. This is so hard-wired in me, I’m having a hell of a time trying to figure out how to delete it. Is it such an integral part of my system now that I can’t delete it? If I do, then my entire system shuts down? What if that’s what I want? If this means that the only way I’m free from it is to risk life… I want to say that I hold life to it. I hope She does threaten me. I hope she does take this away from me and finally grant me my freedom. Imagine the will of not caring about what others think! Imagine the freedom involved of doing anything in the world because the give-a-damn in this system is not only busted — it’s been removed. Entirely. Like a cancerous tumor. No more.
That is the answer to the questions:
Do I have to do something amazing to be happy?
What would happiness be for me? What would that look like without all that pressure.
Yes, I do have to do something amazing. I have to be rid of my will to care about others thoughts, to quit from the inflictions of others on my psyche.
Happiness = freedom. I would continue to be miserable. I want to be free.