bad thoughts // 3.5.18

dear diary,

sometimes the thoughts that i have when i’m sad really scare me. just because it comes so naturally. i see a transfer truck while driving and imagine how easy it would be to run into it. or i see a knife in the kitchen and imagine stabbing myself. typing that is hard. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i don’t know why i can’t just control myself. 

i don’t want the life i’m living now. it doesn’t even feel like i’m living. every day is the same and i’m not doing anything that i love. i’m not proud of myself anymore. i’m proud to have gotten myself out of the situation i was in, but now i’m not happy anymore and i know that i haven’t been doing anything about getting myself out of the situation i’m in. i don’t know what i could do. 

at least now i have a date to look forward to that i can leave everything and just be. but what about when i come back? or the years after? i feel like such a little at heart (by this i mean i want no responsibilities. i just want to play, explore, and live joyfully in the moment) and to me that seems hard to respect. i want to not care. as long as my daddy loves and respects me i’ll be okay. 

One thought on “bad thoughts // 3.5.18”

  1. Sweetie, go talk to your doctor. Sounds like you may be bi-polar or clinical depression. I am and thought of suicide all the time. I almost did it one day. It can be treated with medication and you can be happy again.

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