sometimes the thoughts that i have when i’m sad really scare me. just because it comes so naturally. i see a transfer truck while driving and imagine how easy it would be to run into it. or i see a knife in the kitchen and imagine stabbing myself. typing that is hard. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i don’t know why i can’t just control myself.
i don’t want the life i’m living now. it doesn’t even feel like i’m living. every day is the same and i’m not doing anything that i love. i’m not proud of myself anymore. i’m proud to have gotten myself out of the situation i was in, but now i’m not happy anymore and i know that i haven’t been doing anything about getting myself out of the situation i’m in. i don’t know what i could do.
at least now i have a date to look forward to that i can leave everything and just be. but what about when i come back? or the years after? i feel like such a little at heart (by this i mean i want no responsibilities. i just want to play, explore, and live joyfully in the moment) and to me that seems hard to respect. i want to not care. as long as my daddy loves and respects me i’ll be okay.