Hi-Lo

Me in the snow we suddenly had!

Ok, well the UK is just about coming out of a sudden, short, heavy spell of deep snow. My family tell me it’s not true but if it is going to snow in this country it usually is in the beginnings of MARCH. I can think of several times we’ve had snow in March. When I was last an inpatient of the late Whitchurch hospital we did have snow in January but that’s the only other time I can remember that the snow wasn’t in March. So this weekend I’ve been snowed in and mainly in bed because Harry has passed onto me another lovely cold. Thank goodness it was the weekend Harry had an overnight with his dad and I was so glad because I really needed the rest! But now every time Harry has his fortnightly overnight with his dad, the next night back at home with me he cries in the middle of the night, makes his way to my bed and climbs in and sleeps in my bed with me the rest of the night looking extremely comfortable indeed!

Harry is doing so well…his nursery last Thursday was cancelled because of the snow but we went to the usual baby and toddler group at Pontypridd library today and I was glad I went. I did drug myself on five 2mg tablets of lorazepam (I bought like 200 of these pills over the internet for £300, don’t think the doctors would ever agree again to give me that stuff.)

My home situation is not really ok…Saturday night when Harry was with his dad I had decided to go to bed early and had taken my meds already…half awake I could hear a load of screaming and crying from my mum saying she had throat cancer. I couldn’t wake up properly but it’s best I didn’t interfere but my dad wasn’t in a good way as he was left to deal with my mum alone. My mum doesn’t have throat cancer…her chemotherapy has damaged her nervous system which has affected the opening and closing/movement of her oesophagus…at the moment she liquidises all her food because it’s the only way she can eat but it looks like the doctors are wanting to say the same thing to her as they do to me about my overactive bladder: You have to just live with it, it won’t kill you (hmm unless I did kill myself over it which I have tried to do in the past, it has been one of the driving reasons) and yeah there’s nothing more we can do. Anyway that’s why I started abusing the lorazepam again even though I hadn’t taken it a couple of days…its hard to hear my mum scream and cry that she’s dying…I just want to help but I know there’s nothing I can do that won’t result in arguing with her and then my own illness escalating the problem out of complete & utter control that cannot be undone.

I did see a GP and asked for my Mirtazapine to be increased from 15 to 30mg which she agreed to. So why have things crashed down again. I have viciously mutilated my legs in the shower tonight and now they’re a mess. I have bought two more separate batches of pills over the internet again for £100s…not just lorazepam but zopiclone too. I’m falling and what the hell am I doing. I feel so lonely and self harm and sad music is my only company that is always there and the pills are the only damn things to numb all the emotional pain and shit in my head. I’ve got nothing else.

My little boy is the only reason I have to stay alive. I’m scared of myself and when I spoke to the GP I didn’t give too much away. I can’t. But I feel a mess and have no one to talk to. Don’t worry though…my legs are dripping blood but they’ll carry on walking as long as they can, as long as they are meant to walk for. Gosh I feel so fucked up right now I can barely explain it anyway, it’s just awful. I can’t believe I’m feeling even worse again…things were getting better but now…urgh.

One thought on “Hi-Lo”

  1. Oh, Rogue, be careful with the meds. They can mess you up so much. I take lorazepam so I know that helps your anxiety. The other meds I don’t recognize. Bless your heart, I wish there were some way I could help you. I got online just to see if you had written something, and you had. I will continue praying for you and pray more. I believe your life will get better. Harry is a saving grace, he keeps your heart alive. I’m so glad you have him. Know that someone cares. [hugs]

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