Monday March 5th

I went to see Noah at Brent’s house yesterday. I was fine until Noah wanted to take me upstairs and show me the rest of the house. Brent was home- in his room putting up clothes. It got me very upset for some reason- to be up there- to see the house. I was all out of sorts. When I got home, I made the bad decision to take a 1/2 a Xanax and drink a glass of wine. I was definitely self-medicating. I did only drink the one glass of wine, but I feel terrible today. I hate myself for doing that- I hate myself so much. I just need to do my best to stay away from Brent because he affects me like that. I am proud of myself for not saying anything to Noah- at least I didn’t dump my problems on him. The only other dumb think I did was send a message to Bradlee. I can get out of that, I think. I hate myself so much. I was trying so hard to make a plan to have a life that I would be okay with, and in an instant, that’s all gone. I’m hurt that my mother has stopped calling me again. She said she was going to make sure I didn’t get bad depressed again, even if she had to come live with me. That lasted a whole two months. Now I’m on my own again. I feel like punching myself in the fucking face I hate myself so much. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next three months of school. Why am I such a fucked up idiot? 

Later, that same day…

It’s 11:49. I haven’t even started teaching, really. I have one class, both plans, then 4 straight classes in a fucking row. I was all sold on the going back to school, toughing it out here, blah blah blah, but right now, I’m ready to quit again. Maybe if I get some rest tonight, I will fell better tomorrow. 

I just don’t know what to do with those 7th graders. I cannot figure it out to save my life. 

Even later, that same day…

It’s 8:25pm. I’m on both computers right now. I’m doing my coaches training on the laptop and my safe schools training on the desk top. I am going to get it finished tonight because my class starts tomorrow night. I have no idea what to expect- how much it will take of my time and effort. I am worried because track is about to start, too. I wish to hell I hadn’t agreed to do that. Ugh. I will not do it next year! I was extremely frustrated today. I am so fucking sick of those 7th graders. They will not stop talking. No wonder they are so low- they never shut up long enough to learn anything. I have no idea what I am going to do the rest of the year with them. I found out today that they have a field trip next Friday. I cannot fucking wait. I will be so happy for them to be gone. Unfortunately for me, though, my fucking kids probably won’t get to go. Shit, if I could get rid of half of them in each class, I’ll be thrilled. This Friday is the big reward hoo ha. Ugh. It will be two hours of hell. Shit, it can’t be as bad as a regular fucking day. So Friday, I will have 30 minute classes. Rock on. I have got to get some sort of plan together for my 7th graders. I am seriously considering just teaching them the 6th grade shit. They literally know nothing- NOTHING. I could teach them anything. I might as well work on my 6th grade curriculum. The 7th grade curriculum is awful. They have all the worst of everything- even fucking waves. Ugh. I will make it. I am going to make it. I had a bad day, too, because of the WINE. I just cannot drink wine. Period. It doesn’t make a damn bit of difference that I like it- it makes me sick. What kind of idiot would ingest something knowing that it would make them sick??? I just can’t drink it. My reason for drinking it last night was even worse than being dumb enough to drink it. I can’t let Brent get to me. I have to be better than that. I have to be strong. 

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