i feel a sense of guilt underneath my skin.

I fucking love Ayato, but I’m not in love with him. He and I have been through a lot in this year that we met. We became friends, then lovers, then I became his side girl, and now I’m even 1 of his 3 girlfriends. Its crazy. But we’ve been through so much in such a short amount of time. He’s been there for me a lot too, as a friend more than anything. A real friend. I still don’t know exactly what the fuck I’m doing in this type of ‘relationship’ but I like Ayato, I consider him my best friend, and he’s an amazing lover – so that helps. And so I try not to question it too much. Fuck, we’ve even been to Japan together. This guy is definitely someone very special to me, and I don’t intend on losing him anytime soon. 

 I worry about him a lot. He’s been through a lot of shit in his life. He’s told me some stories. Damn. I find his life story both tragic and fascinating. His parents died in a car accident when he was 9 years old, leaving him and his older brother orphaned and they were sent to live with their paternal grandfather in Japan. ((his mother was from Sweden, his father from Japan, but he was born and raised in Stockholm until his parent’s passing)). He holds his grandfather in high regard, and loves him a lot. He’s pretty much Ayato’s entire family. After his parents death, his older brother became isolated and their relationship dissipated. When Ayato was fifteen his older brother moved back to Sweden, and he hasn’t spoken to him in 7 years. His brother hasn’t made the effort to communicate with him or his grandfather, I could tell this broke Ayato’s heart, just by the way he speaks of him. And now his grandfather is also dying, he has colon cancer that he’s battled for the last 3 years. His grandfather is everything to him. When we went to Japan for Christmas break I got the chance to meet him. He is a sweet elder man, I could tell he was very sickly though. I hope he gets better, I even find myself praying for him sometimes. Ayato is very lonely and I can feel his pain. I feel for him. I find myself caring a lot about him. A lot more than I thought. He’s been nothing but a good friend to me since I met him. And I haven’t always been the best to him. 

But I care a fuckload about him. He’s got a lot of pain in his heart. I don’t know why, or what happened between him and his brother, but I know it hurts him. I remember one time when I was having a conversation with him , and we were both buzzed, I had asked him what happened to his brother. He told me he didn’t even know if he was dead or alive because he didn’t want to know anyway. I didn’t ask anymore than that. But I remember hearing the pain in his voice when he said those words. Ayato drinks a lot, and I can tell its his way of coping with his struggles. I wish I could help him. But I can’t even help myself. 

I don’t know if its because I’ve been depressed myself, but I see his pain a lot more vividly. I want to help him.  I tell him all the time I want to help him. Sometimes we’re laying in bed together, and I tell him how much I care for him and  how I want him to be happy, and he hugs me tightly and tells me he how much he loves me. And he says that if I really wanted to help him that I would marry him, and we could go wherever we wanted. 

When he says things like that it weights heavy on my mind. I don’t know if he’s telling me that because its pillow talk. Or if he truly feels that way. But it makes me feel guilty. Because I don’t reciprocate those feelings. I don’t love him. And I don’t want to love him.  And I feel so guilty, like if I’m just using him. But we’re all using each other. 

Everything is so mixed up, I don’t even know what the fuck to do anymore. 
I’m kind of afraid of asking Ayato if he really loves me. Or if he’s just saying that because he feels the need to. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing half the time. 

I just want to help him out. Because I genuinely care about him. And I’m grateful for meeting him. And yes, I also regret the choices I made. Like becoming his lover and ruining his relationship with his girlfriend, like becoming one of his girlfriends. But then I think about it and I also acknowledge that Ayato is 24 years old, he’s a grown man, he’s responsible for his decisions just as I am. And I can’t take any more blame than what I am due. And he’s a grown man who can make his own decision in life. 

I don’t know what I’m trying to say in all of this.

 

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