I needed a place to write down my thoughts. Even though i have plenty of friends to help sort out my thoughts , i still feel like i can’t correctly express to them what is actually going on. So, here i am. It has been years since i have written.
My life was really great for a long time. I guess good things must always come to an end though. I married the love of my life and through our ups and downs, i could always count on his love for me. I always felt it, there was never a doubt no matter what the situation was. Then one day, I didn’t feel that anymore. I questioned his love. I questioned my life with him. I went at him until finally he said that he wasn’t in love with me. I was his best friend and he didn’t want to be without me but I’m not sure if that’s because I’m comfortable to be with. My entire world stopped. I felt everything and nothing at the same time.
I felt loss and pain. I had to numb myself and keep busy. There was no plan to leave. He had been suffering from depression but was in denial ( still is). So, i hoped that in time , that would change . He would feel again. But slowly it started to destroy me. When he stopped trying , so did i. I gave up all hope. And when you give up hope, you tend to do stupid things. Which is how my affair with a woman happened.
affair is an ugly word and an ugly action. It’s the same old story, i wanted to feel loved and wanted. I desired her and stopped fighting it. It developed into something bigger than what i intended. I never stopped loving my husband. I never will and that is something she knows. I figured i couldn’t be the bad guy if i was nothing but honest with her. It’s sad that i thought i could trick myself. It’s sad that i gave up on my husband during a really hard time. Just because he checked out, it did not give me a right to. But i did and he knew. He makes jokes about it . But i know he doubts me, as he should. I know I’m hurting him. I’m hurting her.
This is enough for tonight. It all starts with a confession i suppose. I really hope writing everything down will help me sort out this mess that i have made.