I feel like I have to diminish myself completely. Forget all I am knowledgeable about and suppress who I am. It’s safer that way. I can’t piss anyone off, I can’t be accused of anything. If I happen to have firsthand information or directly know of a person or circumstance I should keep it all to myself and never share it. I may as well not speak. 

I also need to stop having feelings. Mine do not matter really, I’m learning that daily. I can’t express myself, it’s better not to. If I just become quiet again and keep it all inside then I can be safer.

Everyone leaves eventually. People say they care or love me but in reality I am not lovable. I am too much for anyone, my own family. I feel too much, I know too much, I talk too much, I don’t talk enough, I just am too much and not enough. I shouldn’t even exist.

I am falling apart. I don’t even know how to suppress and push on anymore. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

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