Synthesis

I love the above song too much right now. Evanescence fan to the end.

Haven’t eaten anything today so far and have taken 12mg of lorazepam so far. My legs and stinging and sticking to my clothes so only wearing black leggings/trousers for the next few days. What’s happening to me? I have had a fun morning with my son, we’ve been playing a lot and he’s so happy and energetic. His nursery is open today so I have taken him them for his usual session on a Tuesday 1-4pm and his friend Declan was really happy to see Harry. I didn’t realise though that kids now started school for like half a day at age 3!! We started primary school at the age of 4 or 5 and that was it but now there’s school nursery at age 3 and the deadlines for applications was last year in November. I asked Harry’s nursery what to do and they told me to ring the actual council so I did and they sent me a paper application form as all online application forms have long since been closed.

In fairness my mum mentioned it to me since Christmas but even then the online applications would have been closed. I don’t even know what schools are about except for the local one that’s right here in Taff’s Well in the village. I filled out this form anyway but then the snow came and there was no point posting it at this time but I posted it the other day. I noticed it said on the letter that parents would get the results of their application forms on like April 16th and here I was sending an application by post on March 5th. I know it’s not a life or death thing I mean school at the age of 3? Come on, really? I started St. Michaels at age 4 and that was that. I think this school nursery at age 3 is optional so it wouldn’t really matter much if Harry didn’t get a place for school nursery…I don’t agree with 3 year olds going to school even if it is for half the day but it seems to be what everybody else is doing and I don’t want Harry to be distanced from his friends. Urgh what a massive parental fail. Grandparents really do know everything and I should have listened to her back at Christmas time. But urgh we’ll see if I get any kind of response from my extremely late application form. Anyway that whole thing has made me feel worse because this has all happened because I’m just an idiot.

I am not feeling at all well today and it’s really unsettling me. I don’t want to be like this I want to just be happy with Harry and focus on him but my destructive behaviours have long since been creeping about since the end of last November! And I feel like these behaviours are almost like ‘people,’ the ones that are there for me because I have no one directly around me or near me that I can call a friend or talk to. These dark angels are flying about in my head, crawling under my skin, away from sight of others and I usually have to face it all alone or I take the hand of a dark angel and let them guide me through the destructive behaviours, no need to feel alone they tell me, you know we’ve always been here.

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