7th/March/2018 Wednesday

I am still trying to figure out what’s actually happening to me. One moment im the most optimistic person and next I just want to go fucking die already. It’s exhausting to feel all of this all day. Why can’t I feel just normal for atleast 3 days or a week! Or just feel sad and mad continously for a while just to feel better for a long time!!I’m tired of juggling among different emotions every hour or even minute. It’s like I don’t even know who or what I am anymore. This is fucking crazy and exhausting. 

The constant battle between being scared, tired, upset or happy is real. 

I’m always thinking about my life, my future. I feel like I’m drowning. And I know I should do something about it. Im fully aware that I desperately need a fix for things but at the same time I have no urge to be productive. I want friends but I also hate socializing. I am scared of being lonely but I also want to be alone. I feel so fucking much then I feel completely numb too. I wish to be loved but I also don’t want to let people in to love me. I push people away and when they start drift away I hate it. I don’t knk

I’m constatly torn between thess struggles. I want to do so many things and I also don’t feel motivated to do all of those things. 

As soon as I wake up, my battle starts, until I go to sleep. I feel victorious when I come to bed for having conquered one more day but I also feel very very worried about tomorrow because I’m going to have to start from the scratch tomorrow again. Same feeling of hopelessness, tiredness and emptiness as soon as I open my eyes tomorrow! 

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