As a person who has severe anxiety, it comes as no surprise that I’d have a few annoying anxiety disorders. This one doesn’t affect or influence my daily life in any way, but it’s still one of my worst traits to have. I have…
What is “trichotillomania” anyway? It’s an anxiety disorder that manifests itself as the desire to pull out ones hair. Many people have it, ranging from the pulling of the hair on your head, to your pubic hair, your armpit hair, the hair on your arms or legs, your eyebrows…for me, I pull out my eyelashes.
I have been pulling since I was eleven in the sixth grade. It’s a nasty habit that even now, nineteen and out of high school, I still haven’t broken yet.
It’s weird how this habit even started. I’m sure that if this one small event never occurred, I’d still have all of my top eyelashes. I was a new student at a school in the city that my dad was living in with his girlfriend at the time. We were living in a trailer, the three of us plus his girlfriend’s two daughters, a dog and a cat. I was really stressed out at around this time. I hated the school I was going to as well as all of the teachers and students. I was trying to fall asleep one night when an eyelash randomly started poking me in the eye. I had complained to my dad about it and he told me to just try pulling it out. So I did. I yanked out several lashes while trying to find the specific lash that was bothering me. Eventually I did pull it out.
And from the very next day up until now, I have been plagued with the desire to pull out my top eyelashes any time I feel stressed or anxious or even depressed or angry. I looked so good with eyelashes. My eyes were gorgeous as a child. Now I can’t even picture in my mind what I even looked like when I still had them. I would pull out an eyelash every time I felt it start to grow back.
I hate this habit so much. People don’t generally notice it unless they’re looking directly into my eyes, but once they do notice it they seem to stare at it a lot or point it out to me or to other people. My lack of lashes is one of the things I’m most self-conscious about.
In recent months I’ve started getting a little better at self control. I’d have most of my lashes grown back. All I really need to do is let them grow back to their full length. But I never give them the chance. I think I have a handle on it. I think I have self control. I’ll pull on them but not pull them out, or I’ll pull out one or two and then stop and not pull again for a few days. But after a while it’s like I can’t take it anymore and I start pulling them out by the dozens. After just a couple days, my eyelids are back to being naked with only a few tiny lashes scattered here and there.
I hate it so much. I decided to write this after looking in the mirror at the horror that is my bare eyelids. Only a week or two ago, I had most of them. Just when I think I’ve beaten this “trichotillomania”, I’m proven wrong.
I need something to motivate me into stopping constantly pulling. Maybe if I tell you guys, “I promise not to pull ever again” I might actually stop pulling because I don’t want to disappoint you guys. It’s not like I’d lie about it on here either. What would be the point in that? I’ll update you on my progress or I’ll tell you if I fail. Anyway, I think that’s enough of this rant. I woke up not too long ago, I was bored and felt like writing, so I decided to make a journal entry dedicated to my nasty habit.
I might do this more often, take a journal entry and dedicate it to one of the key aspects of my life. Anyways, I’m gonna stop typing now.