Friday March 9th

Omg, I am beat. We had a title 1 parent night last night. I didn’t leave school until 7:30. That’s about how long I have to stay for ballgames. The time changes this weekend, so next week will be rough. We have 3 more weeks until spring break. I’m feeling really left out and overlooked again. One of the people just hired got recognized in the faculty meeting on Tuesday morning. I feel like its Dunbar bulldog of the week all over again. I never won that a single time in 5 fucking years. I rarely missed school, taught every single day, did everything I was supposed to do, but nope. I did get to be the spotlight staff member here, though. I did get that. 

I’ve been trying to figure out all that’s wrong with me for a while now. This week, I have come up with the thought that I give up too easily when it comes to certain things. My marriage, for example. Brent and I planned and talked about a divorce a hundred times before it actually happened. Every little thing that went wrong, I was ready to quit. Same goes for my job. When something goes wrong, I quit. I say fuck it, it’s not worth it, life’s too short, and all that sort of bullshit. I think that is a problem I have. I don’t know if that is ACoA related or not. I am going to talk to Lisa about it this week. 

This week, I’ve dreamed about David a couple of nights. I wonder if anyone ever dreams about me. Last night, I dreamed about a fictional person that was my boyfriend- I made him up. He was Indian. He had a ethnic sounding name, but I can’t remember it right now. We were very happy together. We were in New York and I was going to show him where I lived there. I said 53rd and 3rd, though, in my dream. So weird. So then I either woke up or dreamed I woke up and thought the dream boyfriend was someone I had gone out with when I lived in New York and that I should contact him, but I didn’t think I still had his number, and I realized that in the dream I had said the wrong address for my address, then I realized that the dream boyfriend wasn’t a real person that I had met before. Andrew that I went out with up there was the strongest possibility of becoming a relationship I had, but I ruined it because I got drunk on our date. It made me too embarrassed to see him again. I hate myself for so many, many reasons. 

I am wondering if I will ever be able to get a job as an administrator. There are at least 2 people in my building now that are certified but haven’t gotten a job. Patrick is another one that used to be trying to get a job, but I think he gave up. I hate to spend all this money and not be able to get hired so I can make my money back. 

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